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Dear
"Concerned about Remarriage,"
You sound like a person who has
done a very good job of creating a life for himself and his
son after a divorce. You seem ready for a serious relationship
but I don't believe that your lady friend is at the same place
that you are.
I see two issues at work here.
The first is that she may not be ready for a commitment and
may be using your comment about her daughter needing therapy
as an excuse for pushing you away. I think that you should
give her space to sort her feelings out. Remain friendly but
accept that she may not want to see you right now.
The second issue is about parenting
another person's children. Stepparents are one part parent,
one part friend and one part advocate for the child. Given
that you are not currently married to your friend, she may
have felt that you crossed a line and were telling her how
to raise her child. You probably perceived your suggestion
as being loving and helpful whereas she felt that it was just
criticism. She sounds very angry and my guess would be that
it is out of proportion to the incident but not to her personal
history. Maybe her ex-husband or someone else close to her
has treated her this way in the past and she reacted to you
with all the accumulated weight of her hurt.
Blending families takes a lot
of work and the road is not always a smooth one. Spending
time together with each other's children is a good start to
building trust and commitment, and you have shown that you
know how to do that. The two adults need to talk about their
parenting styles and what level of involvement they expect
from the other person, and you both need to make the time
for yourself as a couple in spite of the push and pull of
each other's children and ex-spouses. If your lady friend
is not ready for these discussions, then she's telling you
that she's not ready to remarry. In the meantime, you may
want to consider joining some groups or activities in order
to meet new people so that you can continue to develop as
an individual.
Good luck,
Dr. Louise Klein
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