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Dear
"Trouble at Home,"
First, I want to apologize to you,
as I know that this reply won't reach you until after your
birthday. But I also agree that this is an ongoing problem
so you will still be addressing this issue in anticipation
of the next family event.
Am I correct in assuming that your
son and your husband are not related? If that is the case,
how long have you been married to this man? Have he and
your son had some kind of argument in the past that is the
reason for your husband's behavior today? Has your son done
something to offend him in some way?
Forgive me for asking this but parents
sometimes have a blind spot when it comes to their children's
actions. For example, say your son stole money from your
husband's wallet to buy drugs, or he borrowed the car without
asking and damaged it or some other event such as this.
If you're sitting there reading this
and are horrified that I would even suggest such a thing,
fine. But if you're reading this and thinking "Well,
it was not such a big deal but there was the time that my
son. . ." then you need to sit down with your son and
talk with him about making amends to your husband. If you
honestly can't think of a thing then let's move on and talk
about your husband.
Has the relationship always been
this way between these two men? Does your husband criticize
other friends of yours and state that if they come over
he'll leave? Does your husband try to control you in any
other way? If he does then you need to honestly evaluate
your relationship with him and learn to set limits and stick
to them. As for the times that you want to be with your
son, let's look at some things that you can do.
I'm assuming that the house is also
in your name therefore your husband can't say "I don't
want him in my house." It's your house, too, and you
have every right to entertain whomever you want, whenever
you want, within reason, while still being courteous (i.e.
no rock music blasting at 2 a.m. when your husband is trying
to sleep!) You could choose to spend time away from the
house with your son. For example, make plans to see him
and go to dinner or a movie.
I would encourage you to include
your husband in your plans with your son. You could say
to him, "It would mean a lot to me if the three of
us could spend my birthday together (or Thanksgiving, or
Christmas). But if you don't feel that you can do that then
I will go ahead and make plans to see my son and you and
I will celebrate my birthday at another time." And
tell your son the truth as gently as you can if he asks
where your husband is. Don't make excuses for your husband
and don't lie about where he is.
I would recommend that you go to
your local bookstore and check out the books about stepfamilies
in the psychology self-help section. The dynamics in a stepfamily
can be complicated. These books may be able to offer you
some insight or advice about handling your situation. In
the back of these books you will often find a directory
of associations that deal with stepfamily issues. Get yourself
on their mailing list and find out if there's a support
group in your area. Although it's very upsetting, your problem
is not an uncommon one. To be able to talk with others who
have dealt with or are dealing with a similar situation
could be very helpful. They may have other suggestions for
you. Check it out.
Dr. Louise Klein
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