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Dear
Confused,
You need to take a step back
from your immediate situation and look at the bigger picture.
If you are having an affair with this other man you should
put him on hold immediately while you figure out what you're
going to do about your marriage.
You sound incredibly angry at
your husband for his insensitivity to your needs. Seven years
of being treated like this has brought you to this point.
I'm sure that this colors how you view everything else in
your marriage, but are there any good points to being married
to this man? For example, is he a good provider? Is he a good
father? I'm not saying that these are enough reasons to stay
married to him, I just want you to ask yourself these questions.
Perhaps there are compelling reasons to stay with him. Only
you can decide that.
You say that you have tried marital
counseling but he always quits it because he thinks it's pointless.
Without outside intervention I doubt that he will look at
the impact that his behavior is having on you, or be willing
to change. If you are not currently in therapy, I would recommend
that you find someone immediately to help you sort through
all of this. You may choose to stay with him or you may decide
that you want a separation and/or divorce. If you choose to
leave then you would also benefit from a support group and
your daughter may also need a therapist to help her adjust
to the new situation.
As for this other man, you don't
say if he is single/divorced and therefore available or if he
also is married and sorting through his own problems. Even if
he were available I would advise you against immediately moving
in with him if your marriage ends. You would need time to grieve
for the end of the marriage before moving wholeheartedly into
another relationship. You would also need to assess if you do
want to build a life with this new man. Right now he seems to
offer you a type of connection that you've been longing for, but
it's very different to really spend time with someone when the
first flush of excitement is over and reality sets in.
You also have to consider your
daughter in all of this. She will need time to adjust to a
divorce and whatever custody arrangements are agreed upon.
If you choose to remarry then becoming a stepfamily brings
its own set of complications and reorganization for all of
you.
It sounds like you are at a turning
point. Make sure that you get the support that you need from
friends or family as you decide what to do with your life.
Dr. Louise Klein
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