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Dear Very Confused,
You are right. You can't take
it anymore and do not want to. You have the right to
be happy. Happiness does not depend on whether you are married
or divorced. It seems to me that there are two ways of looking
at your difficulties right now:
- Happiness:
Happiness is to be felt from inside your own self and soul,
and not from surrounding yourself with "happy things"
from the outside. Try to understand yourself better as a person,
a woman, a daughter, a mother and a wife. What motivates you?
What drives you? How do you express yourself and fullfill yourself?
How do you feel as a person? Do you love/like yourself? Do you
have self-esteem and self-confidence? Did you ever work out
these issues with a therapist?
- Marriage
versus Divorce: From your letter, I understand that the
communication between you and your husband goes through a dynamic
of victim and victimizer. For years you have let your husband
put you down verbally and hoped that he would learn to stop,
but he didn't. He didn't because it takes two to tango. No one
has the right to put the other down. Your husband will learn
to respect you through the mirror which you will reflect to
him - a mirror of self-respect. In a couple, each reflects his
own image to the other. Start to show your husband that you
love and respect yourself and it is probable that he can start
to feel and do the same. If not, you can look for help in couple
therapy. Think of where this communication pattern comes from.
Maybe your parents' relationship was based on that type of dynamics.
Only after you work out those issues
will you be able to make a decision about staying with your husband
or getting a divorce.
Good luck,
Arlette Shimon, MSW
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