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Dear
Culture Clash,
It is not easy living in a cross-cultural
marriage. Differences in mentality and values are a challenge
to deal with and often one person in the couple feels like he
or she is doing too much of the compromising that allows for the
marriage to function. It is important that both people in the
couple be clear about what is of prime importance to them - things
they would find against their integrity to give up on - in other
words, their bottom line of "this is who I am."
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things your husband is suggesting, "threesomes, anal sex,
pierced bellybutton and a tattoo," don't qualify him as a
pervert, but you certainly don't need to go along with things
that are against your principles. |
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In your case, it seems that your
differences go beyond "culture
gap." Many couples from similar backgrounds have problems
around sexual issues, where one person wants to try different
things and the second person is not interested or even disgusted
by these ideas. Resolution of these problems involves the same
process as what I mentioned in relation to the bottom line of
"this is who I am." The things your husband is suggesting,
"threesomes, anal sex, pierced bellybutton and a tattoo,"
don't qualify him as a pervert, but you certainly don't need to
go along with things that are against your principles. It might
be a good thing to examine each suggestion separately and see
how it would affect you. For example, threesomes are often quite
dangerous to a marriage because of jealousy issues as well as
the physical dangers of diseases. Anal sex can be very pleasurable
if done in a way that is comfortable for both partners, but some
people don't find it enjoyable because of physical reasons or
beliefs that this type of sex is dirty and disgusting. What's
important to look at is what these issues do to you, to be open
to explore with your husband the meanings of these issues for
you, as well as his desire for them.
Your husband said that you don't
really love him because you won't agree to do all the things he
wants. It would be helpful to know how he came to this conclusion.
What does love mean for him? If you disagree with him on other
issues does he feel you don't love him?
You state that you don't want sex
for the rest of your life. Is it because of the pressure you feel
coming from your husband about things you don't want to do or
because there were problems with your sex life from before?
If these issues cannot be discussed
in a constructive manner with your husband on your own, I would
definitely recommend counseling, before things escalate even more.
Sincerely,
Marsha Ellentuck, M.S.W.
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