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Dear
"Sexually Frustrated,"
One of the biggest problems that I hear
as a sex therapist is that young, busy couples cannot find quality
time to get together to enjoy each other by themselves.
When I hear this complaint, I immediately
ask them to get out their diaries and ask them to set aside an
hour three times during the next week to spend having an "intimate
meeting" with their spouse. I tell them to make sure that
it's realistic --- not at 11:00 at night just before they're beginning
to nod off to sleep. Even if they need a babysitter or a relative
to help out, I emphasize the importance of this couple time.
Keeping up a relationship is a challenge
and not something to be taken for granted. During this couple-time,
I suggest that couples talk about what would be fun for them to
do together -- including some kind of physical intimacy, whether
it be massage, bathing together or a more direct sexual encounter.
Now the reason you may be having problems
with pre-mature ejaculation is that the level of sexual excitement
is so high from not having sex for so long that you have less
control. One logical answer is, of course, to have sex on a more
regular basis. A lot of men can have another erection after climaxing
quite soon afterwards, providing they get the kind of sexual stimulation
they need. Very often they last much longer the second time around.
If this isn't possible for you, you might
try the "stop-start technique," a technique that will
help you control your ejaculation. It involves increasing your
awareness of your excitement and learning how to back down before
"the point of no return," the moment when ejaculation
is inevitable. Backing down might mean staying still for a minute,
asking your wife to stop moving as well, or changing positions
or movements.
Tension and anxiety are the causes of many
cases of pre-mature ejaculation so try and relax! Lowering your
anxiety level is of paramount importance. If you do lose control,
remember that a good sexual encounter is much more than intercourse.
Try to continue making love with other forms of sexual pleasure.
In this way you will lower the pressure on yourself to perform.
Marsha Ellentuck, MSW
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