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Dear Unhappy,
As I read your letter I asked myself,
"What are they really arguing about?"
Married couples often have unwritten
contracts between them such as "We'll spend Thanksgiving with
your parents so that we can spend Christmas with mine." All
goes well until Christmas comes and the husband announces
that he has booked the tickets for visiting his family. The
wife explodes and says, "I thought we agreed that we would
spend Christmas with my family. After all, we saw your family
at Thanksgiving."
The husband replies, "We didn't talk
about this." He's right about that. In this case the contract
really was in her mind but she thought that it was understood.
Anger often follows when one person
has perceived that the other has changed the terms of the
contract. What unwritten contracts are at work in your marriage?
Perhaps your wife needs you to have
a regular job with a steady income in order to feel secure.
Maybe something in her background is making her especially
anxious about your developing a home business. Maybe she saw
a friend or family member take a big risk like that and lose
money. You need to explore her feelings with her.
On the surface, it doesn't appear that
either of you are asking for too much. The cost of your wife's
schooling and other interests vs. the start-up costs of your
business seems to be equal, or at least manageable in your
current situation. You mentioned that you don't have children.
I don't know if this is a permanent choice or merely deferring
the start of your family until some later point. Is having
a family part of the discussion? In your letter, you outline
her goals and your dream, but what goals have you set for
yourself as a couple? A large house, a vacation, a family,
early retirement? You sound like you are trying hard to balance
the marriage with your new business, but starting a new business
involves enormous investments of time and energy. Does each
of you make time for the other person?
It is clear from your letter how important
being self-employed is to you. To give up your dream at this
time would lead to anger and resentment, but is there a time
in the future when it realistically won't make financial sense
to continue? Maybe this isn't clear to her and you need to
sit down with pen and paper and outline your plans with her.
The subtext of this letter is about change, and change is
scary.
When one person in a couple begins
to change, the other person often sends out the message, "Change
back. I liked who you were. I liked the way things were."
You two need to reopen lines of communication as the situation
at the moment is being framed in a way in which someone gets
what he wants while the other doesn't.
I would suggest a few sessions with
a therapist to discuss the dynamics that are beneath the surface
of this conflict. Maybe there is a member of clergy who could
counsel you, or a weekend workshop for couples that could
help you to develop your communication and negotiation skills.
Your marriage is worth the investment
of guidance with this important issue.
Dr. Louise Klein,
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