Grandparenting

Rochelle Furstenberg, Co-ordinator of the Senior Center, wrote tips for grandparents taking grandchildren on vacation. She then took three granddaughters, Rinat, Efrat and Linda to Europe, and at the end of their touring Paris, Florence and Venice, she asked them to write the tips they would give to grandparents. Here they are:

1. Grandparents must realize that their areas of interest might be different than those of their grandchildren.

2. Children are not particularly interested in museums! It's true that museums are air-conditioned, but kids still prefer shopping and movies to Boticelli and Da Vinci.

In the drama, "Disciplining Grandchildren," Violet criticizes her daughter Arlene because of the way Bobby behaved during the party. Arlene defends herself and criticizes Violet. Arlene feels hurt and angry. They distance from one another.

In the idyllic days when many grandparents still lived on farms, children would go down to spend part of the summer with them. They would learn how to milk cows and feed chickens, and inevitably experience an adventure, which would teach them a moral for life. At least, that was the formula for many children's books in an earlier part of the century.
One can only wonder whether these kids weren't ever bored. Didn't they ever act out, get fresh, gripe about the food or fight with their siblings? Today, grandchildren might not spend their vacations on the farm.

Everyone is seated around the table wearing party hats, eating cookies and ice-cream. There is a lot of laughter and noise. Wrapping paper from birthday gifts is all over the floor. The birthday cake is brought in with five candles and Bobbie blows them out while everyone sings: "Happy birthday." As his mother cuts the cake, Bobbie is jumping up and down on his chair, calling out: "Me first! Me first!

My grandmother used to have a stool in her kitchen, a little rickety, three-stepped thing meant to help her reach the shelves. For me, though, it was a throne. "Keep me company", she would say, "Sit right here." And there I sat, regaling my grandma with three-year-old wisdom. She'd laugh as she baked and cooked; I was her entertainment. And her pre-dish-washing batter licker. She added her own stories, too, of life in Europe before the war, of her brothers and sisters, her friends and aunts and neighbors, who all perished and vaporized. She'd talk about it like it was no big deal that her world vanished when she was 18.

In the simplest ways, my grandmother mended my soul. She was the smartest person I knew. She read at least one book a day. I sat and read with her. She loved mysteries. So did I. She could answer all of the questions on Jeopardy. I thought that an old woman could know everything. She looked like an old lady. Old ladies knew how to dress then. They had special black, old lady, lace-up shoes, not the running shoes grandmas favor today. Sometimes she let me tie her shoes. In this way, I helped her. She had beautiful handwriting. Thirty years after her death I can remember her shopping list, composed in her ornate curves: beets, mixed vegetables, cottage cheese.

Dear WholeFamily Expert, I've raised my granddaughter from birth. Her mother was always too busy with her own life. When Savannah was 8 months old her mother moved out. She said she had no way of taking care of her. Right now the baby is almost three years old. Her mother came to take her to the park on Mother's Day and then called to say that she wasn't bringing her back. I know that I have no choice in this as she didn't legally abandon her and, legally, she isn't an unfit mother. I can see the baby any time I want and let her stay the night or weekend.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I am happy to say that I have three grandchildren; a granddaughter who is twelve, a grandson who is ten and one who is three. But I feel the wonderful things people always told me about being a grandparent might be a little exaggerated. I do enjoy watching them grow up. I'm curious about who they will become as human beings. But I can't claim that I have created a special relationship with them. They don't seem to feel particularly connected to my husband and myself, even though my children push them to be nice to us. The oldest ones are into their own friends, and the baby clings to his parents. I am disappointed, and even a little hurt.

Dear WholeFamily, My husband and I are having a problem. We have two small children, ages 18-months and six-months. His parents want to come over on Christmas Eve and spend the night. They live about 45 minutes away and travel often so that is not the problem. They say they want to be here to see the kids wake up on Christmas morning. I would like it to be just the four of us on Christmas morning. I want it to be a special family time for just us; a tradition that we share and that is private for us. I also feel like they had their own children and had that time to do the same.

Q Dear WholeFamily Counsellor, My son married a girl who is not his type. She has a very crude side, swears sometimes, and does not have his level of education. I have gotten used to the idea that they are married and there is nothing I can do other than to be nice to her when she is inside my home. The problem is that she is pregnant now and I am afraid of how she will bring up my grandchildren. She is not basically a bad person, but is very sensitive whenever I offer suggestions.

How do you balance baby-sitting for grandchildren and making time for yourself?