I'm married with three young children. We are both working. By the time we take care of our clients and children, we have little energy for one another. We rarely reach sexual encounter. I often experience pre-mature ejaculation.
One of the biggest problems that I hear as a sex therapist is that young, busy couples cannot find quality time to get together to enjoy each other by themselves.
When I hear this complaint, I immediately ask them to get out their diaries and ask them to set aside an hour three times during the next week to spend having an "intimate meeting" with their spouse. I tell them to make sure that it's realistic --- not at 11:00 at night just before they're beginning to nod off to sleep. Even if they need a babysitter or a relative to help out, I emphasize the importance of this couple time.
Keeping up a relationship is a challenge and not something to be taken for granted. During this couple-time, I suggest that couples talk about what would be fun for them to do together -- including some kind of physical intimacy, whether it be massage, bathing together or a more direct sexual encounter.
Now the reason you may be having problems with pre-mature ejaculation is that the level of sexual excitement is so high from not having sex for so long that you have less control. One logical answer is, of course, to have sex on a more regular basis. A lot of men can have another erection after climaxing quite soon afterwards, providing they get the kind of sexual stimulation they need. Very often they last much longer the second time around.
If this isn't possible for you, you might try the "stop-start technique," a technique that will help you control your ejaculation. It involves increasing your awareness of your excitement and learning how to back down before "the point of no return," the moment when ejaculation is inevitable. Backing down might mean staying still for a minute, asking your wife to stop moving as well, or changing positions or movements.
Tension and anxiety are the causes of many cases of pre-mature ejaculation so try and relax! Lowering your anxiety level is of paramount importance. If you do lose control, remember that a good sexual encounter is much more than intercourse. Try to continue making love with other forms of sexual pleasure. In this way you will lower the pressure on yourself to perform.
Marsha Ellentuck, MSW