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Sunday, 25 March 2001

Sexual Comparison

Written by  Marsha Ellentuck

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QDear WholeFamily Counselor,

I have been with my wife for 10 yrs now. Recently we had a big argument and it lasted on and off for about a year. I have never had any other sexual partners before my wife but she has had 3. I don't know why but during the period that we were disagreeing with one another, I asked her how the other guys were, sexually. She told me a few things and it really got me down.

Sexually I think I perform ok or at least I did until I asked my wife what I did. My wife said she was annoyed with me for asking those kind of questions so she exaggerated how things were with the other guys.

The main problem that has been eating away at me for months is that all the guys that my wife went out with were black. When I asked my wife if we split up what kind of man would she probably be with she said black. I myself am half Asian and half English. So taking the above into account I wonder if the rumors are true that black guys have the biggest manhood and are they really the best form of the male race to perform in bed?

I have become extremely down and stressed due to all of this. I don't want to talk to my wife about it because this has been going on for so long now I just need to get the answers so that i may rest whatever the truth maybe, at least I will know for sure! This whole issue has put so much strain on me that I feel less of a man when i am stood to a black man. Sex is not really that much fun anymore because i am under so much pressure. At times, I have even thought of the best way to end my life because of how much less of a man I feel.

I love my wife dearly i really need the answers. Please help me if you can I would be so grateful!

If you do reply please be honest, i will be able to cope I just need to know the truth!

Thank you

ADear Sexual Comparison,

People, men and women, are good lovers when they can tune into themselves and into their partners. This is regardless of race, nationality and religion. There are many myths concerning certain groups of men, for example black men or French men, claiming their prowess in the bedroom, but that's what they are – myths.

There are two problems I see from your letter, your lack of belief in yourself and the lack of communication between you and your wife.

Men and women are good lovers when they can tune into themselves and into their partners. This is regardless of race, nationality and religion.

The first step is to figure out how you can feel more like a man from within. It's a good idea to take stock – what are your qualities that you take pride in, that make you "you" ? What are the things that you would like to change about yourself? By taking a good look at yourself and by accepting who you are, you might feel more confident. This confidence will help you with the next step – talking on a more intimate basis with your wife.

It's important to remember that your goal for communication is to share with your wife your inner discussion with yourself. If this makes you nervous, this is a good sign – we develop by taking chances and dealing with our own anxiety. If your wife continues to make hurting remarks, take this, at least in part, as a reflection of something going on within her, and not necessarily a reflection of you. With a stronger sense of self, you can examine the remarks she makes to see if there is some truth in there for you and then choose to do something about it or not. For instance, if she complains that you are not as good a lover as her past ones. Exactly what does she mean by that? If she can become clearer of what she would like in bed, it will help you get a better understanding of her and her sexual needs, without you feeling that her sexual happiness is all up to you.

Marsha Ellentuck, M.S.W.

Last modified on Thursday, 12 January 2012 14:11
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Marsha Ellentuck

Marsha Ellentuck

Marsha Ellentuck is a licensed sex therapist as well as a couple and family therapist. She received her master's of social work in 1978 from the University of Pennsylvania. Her work as a community organizer led her into the field of sex education, first with teenagers, later with all different populations, including parents of young children and pensioners. During her training as a couple therapist, Marsha realized the need to combine her sex education knowledge with her therapy skills and continued her training in sex therapy. Marsha Ellentuck works in a wide variety of settings -- a family therapy clinic, a sex therapy clinic as well as in private practice. She also gives lectures and workshops on many different subjects concerning sexuality.

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