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I'm glad you wrote in with this question, since this is an area
of concern for many parents. The definition of child abuse and
the line between child abuse and child discipline is a legal matter
that differs from state to state (within the U.S.) and from country
to country. It is therefore, not possible for me to give you specific
guidelines in this area. If you are interested in checking out
legal definitions of child abuse in the United States, you may
wish to start by reading What
Is Child Maltreatment? at the National
Clearinghouse of Child Abuse and Neglect Information.
I would, however, like to give you
some ideas that relate to your specific situation.
You mentioned that you use physical
punishment in two situations:
- Your child attacks you physically
and you react instinctively.
It is certainly appropriate to not allow your child to cause
physical harm to yourself or others by physically stopping him
from carrying out an act. An appropriate response would be holding
him as gently as possible away from you or from whoever he is
trying to hurt and continuing to hold him until he has calmed
down. Certainly you would not be expected to sit and not stop
your child from hurting you.
If, however, by reacting
instinctively, you are referring to "hitting him in return"
then this reaction is not appropriate. I know that the natural
response to being hit is to hit back, but when we are talking
about a fight between a four-year-old and an adult, this is
clearly not a fair fight. The adult, in this situation, must
be the one to keep his cool and refrain from any punishment,
physical or otherwise until the child has calmed down.
- He is in the midst of a dangerous,
violent act, and you prevent it by being physical.
Once again, you are certainly correct that you should not stand
passively by and watch your child do something dangerous. If
your child will not listen to your instructions, you need to
physically remove your child from the dangerous situation. After
the immediate danger has passed, you can then consider if physical
punishment is the best way to discipline your child.
In considering what this punishment
should be, I would like to address the first part of your question:
What are the pros and cons of physical punishment (i.e. spanking,
hitting) as a form of child discipline?
In this area, as in most areas of
early childhood development, there are differences of opinion
between experts. I would agree that for a very young child (under
age three), a slight slap may be appropriate as a response to
a dangerous act (running into the street, trying to open the oven,
trying to play with the gas). Others would differ with me even
on this. Once a child reaches age three, however, a child has
the cognitive ability to understand and discuss non-physical punishments.
In my opinion, the potential "cons"
of using physical punishment with a four-year-old child far outweigh
the "pros." The purpose of a punishment is to teach
a child what behaviors are unacceptable and to prevent the child
from using these behaviors. You might want to consider if responding
to your child by spanking or by hitting him will accomplish these
goals. If your child hits and you respond by hitting him, no matter
what your words are ("no hitting," "no hurting"),
your actions are saying otherwise. Your actions say to him that
hitting is acceptable behavior.
It is certainly true that many people
have been raised with an occasional spanking and turned out "just
fine." (By "occasionally" I would say perhaps once
every two weeks or longer.) I caution you, however, to consider
if physical punishment will benefit your child. I find both with
my own children and with the children in my classes (where obviously
physical punishment is not an option), that other forms of discipline
simply work better.
Here are three alternative methods
of responding to difficult behavior that I find both more effective
and more advisable than physical punishment.
- Set up a time-out program.
I find time-out to be an effective form of discipline for most
young children. For information about how to implement a time-out
program you can read Time Out: What
Is It and How Can You Make It Work For You?
- Make the punishment fit the
crime.
Try and pick a punishment
that will make your child "think twice" before using
the same behavior again. If your child is playing with an object
and then hits you or another child with the object, take the
toy away and do not return it for a specified period of time.
If your child hits you, then
make it clear that your "fun-time" together is over
for a while. Tell him he must play on his own for a specified
period of time.
(With a young child, it helps to set this time on a kitchen
timer so he can literally see when his punishment is over.)
If your child endangers himself
by climbing on a high fence while playing outside, punish him
by not allowing him to play outside for the rest of the day.
In this way, children learn
to consider the consequences of their actions and often decide
that the negative behavior is "not worth it."
To read more about this method
of child discipline go to Make the
Punishment Fit the Crime.
- Reward good behavior.
As parents, we are quick
to punish and unfortunately not as quick to recognize and reward
good behavior. Just as you can punish your child by not playing
with him if he misbehaves, make sure you reward him when he
behaves by spending extra time with him.
If your son does something
especially nice or has a really great day, tell him. Play an
extra game or read an extra book with him that night. Buy him
a small prize (you can keep a stash of stickers on hand for
this occasion) to let him know how "proud" you are
when he behaves nicely.
If children only get attention
when they misbehave, sometimes they will act-out just for any
attention, positive or negative. Make good behavior a positive
experience and you will encourage your son to try and think
of ways to behave nicely.
To read more about how to
give some extra positive attention to your son, check out Parenting
With Love.
As a final thought, I would like
to caution you that if the behaviors you describe, physical violence
towards yourself and dangerous acts, occur more than on an occasional
basis, you may wish to consider consulting with a child psychologist
about the source of these behaviors. Most young children show
difficult behaviors on occasion, but if these behaviors occur
frequently, then a professional consultation is advisable.
The possibility also exists that
your son's difficult behavior may be connected to your method
of punishment. If his behavior is a regular problem, try some
of the alternate methods of behavior management I mentioned above
and see if there is any improvement.
Once again, I would like to thank
you for sending in this question. I can tell that you are a caring
and concerned father and I hope that the information I provided
will help you to make an informed decision about disciplining
your son.
Best Wishes,
Esther
Wolfson, MA
Director, Early Childhood Development Center
WholeFamily.com
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