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Hi! I'm sorry that you have been
having such a hard time with your daughter's toilet training.
It is clear from the details in your letter that your daughter
is ready for toilet training. If she was able to go two days in
underwear with only two accidents, then the physical part of the
toilet training has been accomplished. (In the very beginning
two accidents is very normal.) It seems, however, that her fear
of having a bowel movement in the toilet/potty is keeping her
from making the next move.
I can assure you that this fear is
perfectly normal. While many children do not have as severe a reaction
as your daughter does, often children have fears and difficulty
training for bowel movements even after they are trained for urine.
Tell your daughter that she is too
old to wear diapers (this includes pull-ups). She has proven that
she is ready to wear underwear and you are proud that she is such
a big girl. Do not tell her that you are taking away the diapers
right now. Pick a day a few days away and tell her that from that
day on, she will be wearing underwear. Remind her each day - "in
two days...tomorrow..."
There are then two ways to approach
the bowel movement issue. I suggest that if she prefers, you may
allow her to put back on a diaper/pull-up when she has to make a
bowel movement. In this way, you do not force the issue of bowel
movement training, but still let her know that wearing diapers on
a regular basis is no longer acceptable. In the next few days, you
can monitor her schedule so that you know when she usually needs
to make a bowel movement and can volunteer the diaper when needed.
Do not, however, let her take this
as an excuse to wander around with a diaper on. If she says she
wants a diaper for a bowel movement, let her wear one but have her
stay in a specific place (the bathroom of course is the best --
but if she feels more comfortable it can be in her room) until after
she has a bowel movement. If you see after 20 minutes or so that
she has not had a bowel movement, take off the diaper and tell her
she can let you know later if she needs it. The good thing about
this approach is that it allows her to put on underwear and wear
it primarily without the pressure of having to make a bowel movement
in the toilet/potty if she is not ready for that step.
The downside of this approach, however,
is that you may have to face another transition when it is clearly
time for your daughter to use the potty for bowel movements as well.
There is a strong possibility that your daughter would decide on
her own that she is ready to use the toilet for bowel movements
and that would be that. The possibility also exists, however, that
one day you will have to make that decision for her and that will
require dealing with another major issue.
If you prefer not to take the risk
of having to make two transitions, then you should still tell you
daughter she is too old for wearing pull ups and that you are proud
that she can use the toilet now. Pick the day that you will be putting
the diapers away and discuss it with her. Monitor her bowel movements
so that you know what time of day to be on the lookout to help her
with them. When the day comes, make sure that all diapers are out
of sight and tell her how proud you are of her.
You can tell her that if she has an
accident it is okay. and even if the b.m. (or whatever you call
it) comes out by accident, it is okay and next time you know she
will go on the toilet/potty. I know it is hard, but try not to let
her see your disappointment if she has an accident. Tell her that
you are proud of her and know that next time she will "remember"
to use the potty. Remind her that you and your husband are there
to help and if she needs help she can ask for it and you will be
there. The important thing is that you do not allow her the option
of going back. Let her know that diapers (during the day) are a
thing of the past and that you know that she is ready.
Of course, if you try this for a week
and things get worse instead of better (that usually does not happen
when a child is physically ready, but every child is different,)
it might be time to reevaluate this approach and go back to the
first approach I mentioned.
To be honest, I prefer the first method.
I used it with my oldest son and it worked very well for us, I just
want to make sure you are aware of the possible complications later
on before you use it. Good luck in your toilet training and feel
free to let me know how it is going in case I can help you in any
other way.
Best Wishes,
Esther
Boylan Wolfson, MA
Director, Early Childhood Development Center
Response:
I was so happy to find a reply from you. What a wonderful service
you provide! Well, we decided to try the first method. Since Wednesday,
Tracy's done pretty well, even having a b.m. in her potty. But suddenly
today we can't even bribe her to sit on the potty! She's had two
accidents, and I didn't even bat an eye, just changed her and went
on with our day. If I ask her to go, she adamantly says no. If I
put her on the potty she screams and stands up. I'm afraid this
is traumatizing her. As of now she hasn't gone for several hours,
but won't sit on the potty. We're just waiting for the accident
to happen, and wondering how we can avoid getting upset when it
does. If you have any suggestions at all, they would be greatly
appreciated.
Thanks
again for all your help.
While
I cannot offer any guaranteed solutions, here are my impressions.
First, I feel strongly that you should not offer her the possibility
of putting back on diapers. Your daughter may simply be testing
you. Her behavior may be about more than just toilet training,
but about control. She may be saying, "Let's see if Mom and
Dad will give in."
I think
the answer you need to give her is "No." The overall message
should be, "You are too big to wear diapers. Diapers are for
babies and you are a big girl." Of course, you need to present
it lovingly and with as much understanding as possible. Phrases
like "We know it's hard for you," "It's okay if you
have an accident - next time you will remember," "What
can we do to help you?" are appropriate.
If you
lose your temper or seem obviously upset (that's okay. - you are
only human) tell her why. You can say, "I'm sorry that Mommy
and Daddy are upset, it's only because we care about you and get
upset when you have a hard time." While you should continue
to try and lead her to the potty/toilet, do not physically force
her since that is a power struggle you can't win. I know that
setbacks are hard, but if you persevere and your daughter sees
that you and your husband will not give in, things will probably
improve quickly.
Try it for a while longer. Of course
if after a week or so there is no improvement, then you may need
to change the approach. Every now and then (although it's rare --
don't worry) serious issues come up in toilet training that may
require reevaluation. Meanwhile go forward and feel free to let
me know how it goes and if I can help you in any other way.
Best Wishes,
Esther Boylan Wolfson, MA
Director, Early Childhood Development Center
WholeFamily.com
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