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Remember those "Question Authority" buttons that were
popular in the 1960's? Some baby boomer parents take an ideological
stand against any role distinctions that are "given" rather
than earned. After fighting against oppressive power structures
in their young adulthood, they are reluctant to demand honor and
respect from their children simply because of their status as parents.
For other parents, their own childhood experience
of "not having been heard" leads them to be cautious about
being less than perfectly attuned and deeply respectful of their
children's feelings and needs. Yet, paradoxically, parents who
listen terribly hard all the time and strive for equality and fairness
in everything SOMETIMES find themselves with demanding, greedy,
anxious children.
The fifth commandment tells us to "honor
your father and mother that your days may be long upon the land."
It's the only one of the Ten Commandments in which God strikes a
deal with us, perhaps because the Bible recognizes that children
are not naturally inclined to treat their parents with respect.
In fact, although the Bible tells to love God and to love our neighbors,
we are not required to love our parents. Instead we are required
to treat them with dignity and to care for them in old age.
Our thoughts and feelings belong to
us; it is our behavior towards others that counts in the world.
By requiring respect from our children, we are not feeding our parental
ego but are helping them build good character traits that will serve
them throughout their lives.
How does one do this? In many traditional
homes, the children are taught to wait until mother has taken her
first bite before they begin eating. In school, students used to
rise when a teacher entered a classroom. This is all for the sake
of honor: of parents, of teachers - something that we might be missing
in society today.
We can set some new standards for our
families by teaching children not to sit in a parent's place at
the table, not to enter the parents' bedroom without permission,
to greet and make requests using a person's name or title and to
say "yes, please" and "no, thank you" when offered
something.
The key to doing this: Practice what
you preach. If you require honor, you must also demonstrate it.
If you tell your child you're going to do something (positive or
negative,) do it.
Bend down and
look at children at their eye level when talking to them. Remember,
if we teach our children to honor their elders, they'll have a good
reason to want to grow up.
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