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Dear Jenny,
As a child I remember the conversations
I would have with my mother. She would hear me, but not really be
listening. I used to say that when I grew up I would never be like
that - I would always listen to my children.
Now I'm a mother of two and I often
catch myself doing the same thing to my own children. And I now
understand my mother.
Have you ever missed what someone was
saying because you were thinking about the next clever thing you
were going to say?
It's something people often do when
arguing and often why the argument goes on and on. Nobody is listening
to the other!
I'm not saying that we as parents are
sitting around thinking about the next clever thing to say to our
children. What we are thinking about is the next activity to take
place in the day or the next decision that has to be made. We are
constantly organizing our life and the lives of those whom we are
responsible for.
Even what you are going to have for
dinner is a decision that has to be made. There is so much to think
about when you are a parent, so many worries and responsibilities,
that it becomes more and more difficult to turn off that constant
chatter in the back of our minds.
I know this doesn't help, but just
so you know it's not just our children we often don't listen
to, it's other adults as well. I think that's why there is so much
misunderstanding in the world.
If you tell your mother that you understand
she has a lot of important things on her mind, but you need to talk
to her about something that is important to you and you need her
to really be listening, I bet it would be enough to pull her attention
to the surface. Get her attention first -- then talk. Often
because of the constant chatter in the back of our minds we don't
see the difference between what's important and what is just light
conversation.
We need to be told-this is important
please listen up.
My son often
makes me look at him before he starts talking, so that he knows
I'm really listening. He will say "mom" continually until
it annoys me so much that I stop what I'm doing and finally look
at him. If I look away, he will start saying "mom" over
and over again until I pay attention.
He was only in the first grade when
he discovered that mom didn't always listen and this has been a
tactic he has used ever since to get my attention. Sometimes I stop
and yell at him, and then he says "Mom this is important."
When I see his face I know I have to listen.
Good luck.
S. E.
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