BODY IMAGE AND EATING DISORDERS

I'm Fat and Very Self-Conscious

Q: I have a problem. I eat too much and that's why I'm 20 lbs. overweight. I really want to be thin but I think it may be the family genes kicking in. I am V E R Y self-conscious, I guess. But I'm really tall too.

Well anyway, the other day some guy friends of mine were talking in the bathroom while I waited for them outside. They were talking (kinda loudly) and they must not have noticed I could hear them, but they were saying stuff about my ex- boyfriend and how he only went out with me because he wanted to do something charitable for me because he thinks I'm fat. They were saying that that was sooo mean. Well anyway I got real sad and went home but I was wondering if there is any way (that you know of) that could change my appearance to guys instead of just being the fat girl?

A: I'm sorry that you had to over-hear those hurtful things from the boys. You know what? It is soooo highly unlikely that a guy would go out with someone just to be "charitable". I bet that your ex-boyfriend was feeling bad about the break-up, or was feeling mad at you about something and said it out of anger or pain. I'm sure that's not the real reason he went out with you!

Like I tell everyone who asks for advice about losing weight, consult your doctor, because they know how to help you lose weight in a healthy way, how much you need to lose for your size, what diet would be best for you, and what exercises would be best or harmful for you, if there are any.

Don't lose the weight because you think that it will make people like you better. Lose it only if you think it will make you happier with yourself.

You'll always be the same person deep down inside no matter what. You can overcome the issue of your weight by being out-going and not letting it stop you from doing the things you enjoy.

If other people see that it doesn't bother you, then why should they worry about it either, right? It can be hard to make yourself go out and do things when you are feeling bad about yourself, but if you push yourself the first few times it will get easier, and you can start enjoying yourself again.

Remember, you are not your weight. You are this bright person, with a vivid, friendly personality. Who can resist that?

See Food and Fitness

Experts

-Erin-

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DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE

Suicide - Is It Normal to Think About?

Q: Hi, I am 15. I have thought about killing myself though I don't think I would ever do it, however just thinking about it makes me kind of nervous and scared. Is it normal to think these thoughts? I know where its coming from and that is because I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. My parents are on the brink of divorce and other things. I don't feel comfortable talking to my parents and I hate talking to counselors. I do have a friend I could talk to but we are not on good terms right now plus she might tell someone out of concern. I am really confused because some advice pages say its normal and some do not. Please help me. I don't know what to do.

A: I'm very glad that you wrote to us instead of keeping all of this inside yourself. This would be a very stressful time for anyone in your situation. Your thoughts are very common especially for people our age. I think that anyone who is facing so much stress has these passing thoughts. It seems to be an easy way out at the moment, but let me tell you, it's not!

A friend of mine committed suicide when we were 12. He thought that no one liked him and that he was all alone. He felt he just couldn't go on with his pain and loneliness.

You know what? Most teens feel that way a lot of the time for a number of reasons, but it eventually passes. The loneliness that my friend felt was only a small percent of the loneliness and pain he inflicted on his family and friends by killing himself.

His mom, little brother - no one could understand. They will never get over this and it's made their lives that much more difficult to live.

I know you said that you don't like to talk to counselors, but there are some very good ones out there that can help. I'd suggest looking around for a good one by asking your school counselors or family doctor to recommend a counselor. Ask a family friend if they know of one.

You don't have to go back if you don't like them, but it's always worth the try. The main thing is, don't keep these feelings to yourself. Tell someone whenever you are feeling like this. Just someone to listen to what's going on in your life, inside your head at the moment. It really does help.

If you have no one that you can trust you can call a help-line that is confidential.

(See Crisis Center / Suicide and Depression.)

Also, I would definitely recommend that you tell your doctor you are having a rough time (you don't have to go into details if you don't feel comfortable) and see if there is any extra help he can give you. Maybe you need a new medicine for your Chronic Fatigue. Whatever it is that is going on, there is possibly something your doctor can do to help.

Experts

Good Luck!

-Erin-

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FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Brother Trouble!

Q: My brother is constantly getting in trouble and everybody is always screaming at one another and I can't stand it. My brother is always hitting me and telling me I'm fat and stupid. I don't know what to do. Please help.

A: It can be hard living in an environment where it seems like everyone is always yelling and screaming. Especially when you are getting insults hurdled at you! First you have to realize that brothers will be brothers, and they can often take the anger of the day out on you.

Siblings are an easy target for stored up anger, and it can seem like you do one little thing, or even nothing at all, and suddenly get blown up at. Don't take his insults to heart.

Sometime when he's not in a bad mood, tell him that it bothers you and really hurts your feelings when he does things like that and calls you names. Ask him if he could just try to be a little more considerate of your feelings, and that if he needs to talk about something you will be right there to listen, and you'd like to help him if you can. Maybe once you two can get past the screaming, you can actually talk and figure out why he is getting in so much trouble, and what's going on in his life that makes him so angry.

But he might not be willing to accept any help at the moment, or to show that he cares about anything, so you'll just have to take it in stride and be there for him in case he does decide to talk to you about stuff.

Also, you may want to talk to your parents - tell them that the atmosphere in the house is making you nuts. Maybe they don't realize how out of hand it's gotten. Parents are often so focused on solving one problem - your brother's behavior in this case - that they don't realize that they have created another one. It always helps to talk about these things - at a time when everything is calm.

If it ever gets to the point where all the screaming going on in your household is making you feel like you are losing your grip, and you can't take it, there are lots of things you can do. Take a walk. Go in your room and turn your music up to where you can't here their arguing. Go to the library and get your homework done. Go to a friends house. Call up a friend and tell her that you just can't take it at your house right now and ask if you can come over for a couple hours.

Know that you are a good person, and that others in your house are going through a rough time right now, and probably aren't thinking how their words affect you.

I hope that you ALL can find some peace - and quiet!

See Relationships - Parents & Family and Crisis Center / Abuse

Experts

-Erin-

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FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

I'm Not Good Enough For My Parents

Q: I am responsible and I think my parents know that already. I am 15 and I already do the dishes, laundry, I vacuum, dust, get excellent grades, I baby-sit my sister constantly, and I also do not do drugs or drink alcohol. I guess you could say I am "perfect," but aside from all of this, my parents will not let me go out on a date with a guy. They will not let me go out with my friends either! I just want to go out once or twice a week, but no! I have to baby-sit my sister all the time. She follows me and my parents don't do anything about it. She is also afraid to be home alone (supposedly.) And one more thing, my sister made a long distance call that cost about $35 and I had to pay for it! What is up with that? Why should I have to pay for it? PLEASE HELP!

A: I'm sorry that life is so unfair for you right now. Your parents are, most likely, only doing what they think is best for you. They probably want to protect you from everything, but talk to them (calmly) and tell them that if they don't let you start doing things on your own and earning trust that you aren't going to learn how to handle things on your own, which you will have to eventually anyway. They should be preparing you for the real world, not hiding you from it.

It really sounds like you're a very dependable person! Your parents might be taking advantage of that. Your sister is their child, not yours. They shouldn't leave you to watch her all the time. Explain to them that you don't mind watching her every so often, but you need to have a life, too.

Ask your parents what more you have to do to earn their trust. If they won't allow you to go out with your friends, ask if you can invite one or two friends over to watch a movie or something so that your parents can meet and get to know them.

I really don't understand why you had to pay your sister's phone bill. Did they think you had made the $35 call?

Maybe it would help if you outlined all of this in a letter to your parents. That way, you won't say anything you regret, and they can digest it before reacting.

I hope that my suggestions help.

See Relationships - Parents & Family

Experts

-Erin-

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FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

I Want More Freedom!

Q: I am 13 years old and I was wondering what I could do about having more freedom in my home. When I ask my mom about this, she says the parent is always suppose to win fights. So what do I do? I would like more freedoms and also to have a better relationship with my mom and step dad.

A: A good way to start off is by doing as much around the house to help your mom and step-dad out as you can. Many parents (including mine) feel overwhelmed and feel like their kids aren't doing much of anything around the house to help out. So, for instance, if you see the dishes need putting away don't wait for someone to tell you or ask you to do it, just do it. Sometimes when parents see that you are taking on more responsibilities they'll be more likely to trust you.

And maybe if your mom doesn't have so much to do, she'll have a little more time to relax and be in a better mood for you to talk to her.

Tell her that you'd like a better relationship with her and your step-dad, and you'd like to know what you need to do to gain more of her trust and freedom.

I hope that this helps.

See Relationships - Parents & Family

Experts

-Erin-

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FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Listening to My Side

Q: How do you get your mother to listen to your side of the story? We often argue about issues that she thinks are not worth fighting about. I feel that I need to get my point across, but she won't listen if she does not feel that the matters are worthy of a discussion. Any ideas?

A: When you have differing viewpoints with someone close to you on an issue that concerns you, it's very important to at least feel that you've been heard, and that your points have been considered. Generally speaking, when people are faced with the decision between accepting a new idea or fighting to hold on to their old beliefs, most people choose the latter. I think that can be a defense mechanism for a lot of people without them even realizing it.

Your mom may feel very strongly that she is right on these issues, and that any debate about them is just silly.

The best way to get her to listen to all that you have to say without interrupting you is to write it all down in a letter and give it to her. You could start it by writing something like "Mom, something has been on my mind and I'd really like to try discussing it with you again. I wanted to approach it with you in a letter because I didn't want it to come across as a confrontation."

You could go on to explain that it's important for you to feel like you've at least been heard. If you wonder why she is so quick to dismiss the issue, or feels so strongly about it, ask her. Hopefully, this will help her to see your viewpoint more objectively, and avoid a confrontation.

Good Luck.

See Relationships - Parents & Family

Experts

-Erin-

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FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

My Folks Treat Me Like I'm 5

Q: My parents treat me like I'm 5 years old and I'm 15. And my gets all the attention now and everybody thinks he's all mighty. They treat him like a saint and me like a germ or something. I just got yelled at because my brother and his best friend were yelling at me and calling me a brat and all. My mom came in and started yelling at me as if I started everything. And then my step-dad came in and yelled at me, too. My mom always does this to me and I hate it. It's as if everything that goes wrong in the house is my fault and then I get yelled at for it. And whenever my brother and or his friends do something to me and I tell my mom (I'm not a tattle-tale) she tells me to shut up or go away. It's like she doesn't care if they hurt me.

A: I was going to suggest that you get them all together, like at dinner or something, since it involves the whole family, but then I realized that might not be such a good idea, since it would be easy for one of them to dismiss your concerns (as they've been doing it seems) and then for the rest of the family to just follow along with that.

So, I suggest that you talk to them individually. For instance, when your mom or step-dad are doing something alone around the house, such as laundry or dishes, and they are in a relatively good mood, start helping them and say, "Mom (or your step-dad), something's been bothering me, and I'd really like to discuss it with you, and I want you to take me seriously." If you start by talking to your mom, tell her that you are going to discuss it with your step-dad as well, or vice-versa.

But it sounds like your family could definitely benefit from some intervention from a family counselor - sometimes families get into ruts and they need help to reframe things, and to make families realize the roles they've been playing.

See if your parents are up for it. If not, why not seek out some counseling for yourself? Maybe a counselor could give you some good suggestions on how to deal with this...

I hope my suggestions have helped.

See Relationships - Parents & Family

Experts

-Erin-

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FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

My Mom Loves My Brother More

Q: What can I do about my mother? She loves my little brother more than me. She buys him stuff and not me. What should I do?

A: What a sad thing to be feeling! It can feel awful when it seems that a parent favors one of you over the other, or one sibling seems to get special treatment. Usually, parents do not do this intentionally. Most parents have equal love for their children, but sometimes it gets shown in different ways.

You need to tell your mom that you've been feeling left-out, and loved less than your brother. She may at first say that you are being silly, or that no such thing is happening (because she may truly not have noticed that she is treating you differently), but tell her your feelings are real, and you've been hurting, and point out specifics if you can as to when you felt "proof" of this awful feeling.

I hope that she can understand your feelings, and that things get worked out for you soon. Don't let these feelings build up inside of you.

See Relationships - Parents & Family

Experts

-Erin-

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FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Pained After Parent's Divorce

Q: Hello. I know my parents have only been divorced for 4 months, but I am still hurt over it. At first I was like "sure, this won't bother me, I won't let it", but lately, it has. And in fact, only about 5 to 6 of my friends know about it so far. And see, my mom's been dating this guy, and I dislike him an awful lot, because I guess I just don't like his lifestyle. He dresses like a hick, wears cowboy boots, and doesn't have a very good job. And see, I live in like the "rich" part of my city (even though we really aren't that rich) and so, it's embarrassing to have friends whose parents are perfect, and drive a Lexus, and then to look at your own family and go, "gosh, why couldn't I be more like them." I know it might sound like I am a rich snob or something, but I am nothing of the sort! I just don't want to have my mom get married again, especially to this guy. My story could keep on going on forever, but I just felt like talking about this, because it has really been bothering me, thanks for listening.

A: It sounds like there are a lot of changes going on in your life right now. Sadly, divorce has become a pretty common thing, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It's understandable that you'd have bitter feelings towards this new guy your mom is dating. It's only been a couple months since the divorce, which you are probably not used to yet, let alone having to get used to another guy dating your mom! It can seem very awkward.

Even if this guy were a wonderful guy, you would probably still have a hard time adjusting to him right now. It wasn't your decision to have your parents split, and you may be thinking "Why should I have to adjust to anything?" and that can make you feel angry, bitter, or just plain confused.

Whatever you are feeling is alright. Your feelings are real, and you need an outlet for them. Have you thought about or talked with your mom about the two of you (or if you have any sisters or brothers) going to a counselor? It could help you understand and let out a lot of these emotions welling up inside of you. It could probably help your mom to understand you better, too. If she doesn't want family counseling, maybe seeing a counselor by yourself could help just as much.

Your friends could be more support than you realize right now. Is it something you are not ready to talk about and that's why you haven't told a lot of your friends? Or do you feel that they won't understand? I really encourage you to talk to a couple of your friends about what you are going through. Have any of your friend's parents gotten divorced? Even if they have not been through what you are going through, just having someone listen to you can really ease your burden of keeping this all inside.

In the meantime, why don't you write down how you are feeling in a journal. Even if you aren't sure what you are feeling or what to say, just write down the thoughts you are having. It can really help you to sort things out when you write, or when you go back later to read over what you've written.

It can look like others have it so much better than you, especially when you are having to endure something like this. But, never underestimate what people have to walk through in their own shoes. People don't always speak up about the hardships they are having, and when you are looking from the outside in, it can look perfect. But looks are deceiving, and you never know - others might be envying you and your "easy" life. Maybe some of the very people you are envying yourself! Life deals out some hard knocks to everyone, and it takes time and patience to overcome. Faith and hope help a great deal as well, so if there is anyone you find encouraging or wise, go to them.

There's help out there, but it's up to us to find it. A lot of people are willing to help wherever they can, and will feel honored by the asking. Teachers, people at a Church or Temple, other kids, people at a local youth center.... there's people all over the place waiting to listen and help.

I wish you much strength and courage (but it seems like you already have that.)

See Crisis Center / Divorce

Experts

-Erin-

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FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

My Parents Won't Let Me Date

Q: I'm 14, and my parents won't let me date. I know that doesn't sound that unreasonable, but right now I have a boyfriend that is almost 16, and he can obviously date. I love him very much, and I trust him, its not like he's going to pressure me into anything I don't want to do. He's been my friend for a long time and now we're finally together, but my parents hate him. They've never even met him, and they won't make an effort to. They just don't like him because he's 15. I think that's unfair, and I can't see my boyfriend, even if there are 10 other people there. They won't let me and a bunch of friends go to one of his soccer games, and I can't go to his church, simply because he's there. PLEASE help!! My parents just don't understand!

A: If you are interested in someone, feeling ready to date, but your parents won't let you, I have a few tips to try.

First, ask them what their fears are about you dating. Try to address their concerns and show them that you are mature and responsible enough to handle situations that may arise. Maybe they have some fears about situations you haven't even thought of, so talking with them about it can maybe help you both look at the situation more clearly, and help you determine your own boundaries before being faced with having to make quick decisions.

How do you show your parents that you are mature? Well, for one, do not sneak around behind their back. If they tell you not to go out with a boy alone for instance, and then they catch you doing it, that is only going to intensify their fears and worries that they can not trust you, and make it even harder for you to get them to ease up on this dating thing. Talk with them about how important it is to you, tell them some of the things you like about the person, and ask them to at least meet the person. Start with asking if you can invite him or her over for a family dinner, or to watch a movie at your house while your parents are home. Okay, I know this might not be exactly what you are thinking about as a cool date, but it could be a good start. Maybe your parent's will see what a nice person he is or at least see how much you like him, or how much fun you have with him.

A second step would be to ask if you can go out on "group dates", where there are a couple of your friends with you, and it isn't just you and your date alone. Like a group of you go to the movies together, or hang out at the mall, or at one of your friend's houses, or whatever it is that you all like to do.

If your parent's still aren't going for it, don't give up, but don't nag about it either. Bring it up occasionally about how important it is to you, and how you feel you are ready for it. But definitely try to drop the subject before it escalates into a fight.

Be creative. Do you play a sport, or some other extra curricular, like being in a play or something? If so, have your parents come to your game, play, whatever it might be, and have the person you like go too. If they are brave, (and I know not everyone will be comfortable doing this, it's just a shot) have the person that you like go up and introduce themselves to your parents, and watch your game/play/recital, whatever, with them, speaking to them, making conversation. Then at least your parents will associate a person with this issue and it might not seem so bad or scary to your parents anymore. Maybe meeting him will help them to ease up a little bit. Again, none of this is a guarantee, but I have known this tips to work before.

Finally, if your parent's just will not budge on the issue of letting you date now, or sooner, and want you to drop the subject because it's only causing fights; it's disappointing but don't let it be the end of the world. It may make you feel very upset now, but they are almost definitely doing the best that they can for you, trying to protect and raise you in the best way they know how. Find other ways to fill your time. You don't need to date to be happy by any means! Fill your time with things for you; things that you want to accomplish, things that make you feel better, things that you enjoy. Learn to play an instrument. Read more books. Write more poetry. Play more basketball. Join a school club. None that interest you? Start a school club. Volunteer. Tutor younger kids or kids in your grade in a subject you are good at. Spend more time on a subject you aren't so good at. Spend more time with your friends. Spend more time with your family. Watch more movies. You get the idea:)

I hope my suggestions help, and good luck to you:)

-Erin-

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FEELINGS

Conflict Resolution 101

Q: What are some ways to resolve conflicts without fighting?

A: That's a really good question, and I'm glad that you asked it! There are lots of ways to resolve conflict without getting physical.

Obviously, the place to begin is talking it out. When discussing the issue, it seems that using "I" statements instead of throwing blame at the other person helps to keep things cooler. So, for instance, if they let you down in some way or betrayed your trust, tell them that "I expected you to keep my trust and I felt hurt and betrayed when it was broken", instead of saying "You betrayed me and you let me down." The "You" statement will put them on the defensive and things are less likely to get solved if someone's busy trying to defend themselves instead of finding a solution or compromise.

Don't attack the person, attack the situation. Instead of name-calling or bringing up past situations that are irrelevant, focus on the issue at hand. Once name-calling starts going on, that's only going to push you farther away from a resolution.

Let them know what you expect now. Do you expect this to never happen again? Do you expect them to apologize to you? Listen to their expectations as well.

If you can't seem to talk to each other without arguing and getting angry, maybe writing a letter, stating your position and how you are feeling will help at least to ensure that you were heard. Ask the person to write you back and explain what they are feeling. Then maybe you'll be able to talk, once the main issues and points were touched on in the letter.

If you feel that things were not resolved between the two of you, or if they get too heated and you can't solve anything, call in a neutral third party. Maybe your school has a peer mediation program? Request a guidance counselor, or teacher that you both trust, to help you out.

If the conflict is with someone that is not in your school, say if it's a family member, you could still check with someone at school to see if they will help, or ask someone to recommend a counselor that could help you get things sorted out.

I hope I've been able to help you. Good luck.

-Erin-

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FRIENDS AND PEERS

I Don't Fit In

Q: Hi, my problem may sound really superficial, but it is making me very unhappy. I go to a school where everyone is really snobby and rich. Nobody seems to care about anyone else, and they don't seem to know a thing about real friendship. I have known these girls who I thought were my friends, but when it came to dealing with other things besides gossip, they couldn't deal. One girl even said it was too much pressure to be friends with me, cause I actually tried to be true friends with her. At first I thought it was me, but now I truly realize its not. I moved here a year ago, from a place where I have 3 of the best friends who I can count on anytime. It is real rough for me, cause I feel like I have no friends, unless it is on a completely superficial level, and I can't trust anybody. I just am real unhappy. So, I am trying to fit in, but I don't want to make myself less of a person trying to be like everyone else. I talk to my mom, but she just gets so defensive for me when people hurt my feelings, and I don't think she sees the whole picture.

A: Thanks for writing! This is not a superficial problem at all. In fact, a lot of kids are going through this. I'm so glad that you realize it's not you. Wherever you go in life some people will like you and some people will not, no matter how hard you try to please them. Don't waste your time.

I think it's so admirable that you want to stay true to yourself instead of selling out your values to be in the "in" crowd. You sound like a very cool girl. Actually, you know what's interesting? Check some Celebrity Bio's & find out how many had your same problem! People who are unusually creative or intelligent don't seem to fit in quite as easily with these type of kids (especially in high school).

Some examples that I know of: Alicia Silverstone was an outcast at her high school, as was Renee Russo, Will Smith was a "geek", and many more. Hey, you might even want to take it as a compliment that they don't like you!

High school is a pretty weird time for everyone, and good friends are very hard to come by. You are lucky that you have 3 great ones, even with the downside that they live far away. If you stay true to yourself and decide not to be friends with the snobs I bet that you will find a lot of other kids at your school that feel the same way.

And if you don't find friends right away, just give it time. Take some time to yourself, spend some time with your family, etc..

It sounds like you have an awesome mom who really cares what happens to you (even if she tends to be one sided at least it's your side she leans to.)

Things will get better, even if it seems to take awhile.

See Relationships - Peers / Friends, Cliques and Popularity

Experts

Good Luck.

-Erin-

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FRIENDS AND PEERS

Scared of Friend Turned Goth

Q: Can you help me? I have a friend, well actually she's not really my friend that much anymore (my parents told me to stay away from her.) Anyway, I've known her for 3 years - since 7th grade. (She was such a sweet person in 7th grade -we're in 10th now). In eighth grade, she seemed to be really depressed (I think it was depression or so she said ). She would cry for no reason, or if she got a bad grade on a test she'd cry and sob for along time right there in class. And she started eating less and wearing more black (nail polish) and occasionally dressed in all black. She bangs her head into her bedroom wall real hard several times when she gets mad at her step-dad or something. Things seem to be getting worse. She is losing interest in her grades. She wears black and joined a "religion" where you have sex with your god and have horny Thursdays! She tried to get me to join and said "you can keep your old religion too." I told her that I can't betray my beliefs. Then she ignored me. One day she turned around to me and she said "you need to get shot." I said, "Excuse me?" She started laughing and said she was kidding. I'm a little scared she might hurt me or someone or do something. I've told my parents and they think I should tell the police or something. What should I do? I need some advice please.

A: It sounds like this girl is really in need of some help. Her parents could actually be making it much worse (or even, sadly, be the root of the problem)

It's been my experience that people usually start into the 'Goth' phase (wearing all black, idealizing death or making light of it) to get needed attention. It sounds like this girl is trying to draw attention that she needs help, that something is not right. Maybe she doesn't know what kind of help she needs, or doesn't trust enough to get help, so she's just acting out her pain.

My advice to you would be to tell someone that you know she is in need of help. You could tell your guidance counselor at school that you are concerned and that you wish to remain anonymous when they speak to her; that you would like your name totally left out of the matter. If you don't trust that they will let you remain anonymous, and you do not want her to know it's you, write a letter of your concerns, leave it on the office desk or mail it to the school with no return address and leave it unsigned.

In addition to that, you could write an anonymous letter to her parents. Leave out specifics that only you know about if you don't want her to know that it was you, and stick to the general reasons you are concerned (wearing all black, losing interest in grades, speaking of death, loss of faith in God, etc...) Also tell them that you think she needs understanding, not more punishment or trouble.

You could have your parents talk to them or write the letter. If your parents want to say who they are, then you could ask that they not tell their daughter who wrote this letter because you are afraid she will be angry at you and may even hurt you.

This is a tricky situation because there is not a whole lot you can do, especially when you are just trying to be a friend the only way you are able now (since you don't want to really hang out with her and stuff, understandably) but you are also afraid she will hurt you. Just keep telling your parents everything that's happening, and I hope that someone can guide her to the help that she needs.

See Relationships - Peers / Friends, Cliques and Popularity

Experts

-Erin-

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FRIENDS AND PEERS

Friendless and Lonely

Q: I have a slightly big problem. I have no friends. I do have a group of people I hang around but they're not really my friends I only hang around them. I've been trying to make a real friend since kindergarten and now I'm in grade eight and I've had no success! It makes me depressed sometimes especially when I never go to the movies or shopping with anyone let alone parties. I'm really lonely and I don't know what to do. Do you have any idea of what I should do?

A: I don't know if this helps at all, but you are not alone in this feeling. Friends, and especially good ones, are hard to come by. Lots of people feel lonely or like they don't fit in even when they have lots of friends and acquaintances. Sometimes you have to take the initiative and invite people to do things with you. It can be hard and even scary at first, but most of the time people can't know what you need until you tell them. They may even think that you are being stand-offish and don't want to do anything with them. A lot of people mistake someone's shyness for being snobby.

Ask some people from the group you hang around to go to the movies with you. Or ask a couple of the girls to spend the night and rent movies and stuff. Or if you don't like the people that you're hanging around right now, meet some other people in your classes. To start things off, you could ask someone to help you with an assignment, or offer your help to someone who is having trouble. Or ask your teacher if you can work in groups for some of the assignments, and get to know people that way.

See Relationships - Peers / Friends, Cliques and Popularity

Experts

-Erin-

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GUY'S EYE VIEW

Do Guys Care About A Girl's Height?

Q: Hey Erin, I'm 13 and I've always been a little shy in approaching people. There is this guy who I really like a lot in the class next door to mine. We always make eye contact when the door is open. The problem is I'm sorta short for my age, like 4'11 probably 5'1'' with my shoes and he's like taller. I feel uncomfortable because he's much taller than me. Do you think he will realize it when I'm next to him and not like me anymore, or do you think he'll like me for my looks and my personality regardless of my height? Do guys judge by height and does it change their decision about a girl?

A: I'm a short girl myself, and I used to be self-conscious about it, but people will like you for who you are regardless of height, or hair color, etc... Certain people just have preferences, and a lot of guys like short girls, they think it's cute and stuff. I don't think I've ever heard of a guy not liking a girl just because she was short.

To get to know him better, smile when you see him and say hi. Ask around and see if you know anyone that knows him. If you do, see if they will help to hook you up. If you don't know anyone that knows him, you could write him a note, just telling him that you've noticed him in the class next door, and tell him a little about yourself, ask him to write you back or call you.

This will take some courage, but what have you got to lose? If you think it's a chance worth taking, go for it girl!

And I wish you the best of luck.

See Food and Fitness / Body Image

Experts

-Erin-

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GUYS EYE VIEW

How Do Guys Feel About Girls With Eating Disorders?

Q: I'd like to know a guy's opinion and/or comments on a couple of things. When you're dating a girl, if she loses of gains weight, how much of a change would it take for you to notice and or comment on it? If you found out that your girlfriend was diagnosed with an eating disorder (like anorexia/bulimia), how would you feel about it? Would you keep your distance because you might think she has major problems, or would you stay close to her and try and help?

A: I asked a few different guys what they thought of these situations, and here was the general consensus:

They said that weight doesn't really matter in a relationship. When they are going out with someone they hardly ever notice changes in weight unless it's a major difference.

The guys said that they wouldn't break up with a girl just because she had an eating disorder, they would do what they could to be supportive and help.

But if the relationship was causing the girl more stress, they would put the relationship on hold to only be there as a good friend, so that the girl could deal with one thing at a time, and they wouldn't be adding to her stress. They also said that it mostly depends on the individual, and the individual relationship.

I hope this has helped you some.

If you do have an eating disorder, you need to get some help.

See Crisis Center / Eating Disorders

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Debating Sex

Q: I've been seeing this guy for about a month and things have been getting pretty hot and heavy. We haven't gone all the way yet but we both want to. The only thing is that technically we're not going out and I am starting to question whether this would be such a good idea. One the other hand, we both know a lot about one another and he doesn't pressure me to do anything that I don't feel comfortable doing. And furthermore we both plan on using protection.

A: It's great that you are planning to use protection, but are you sure you are ready for this? It sounds like you are still pretty iffy on whether or not you want to and I suggest that you take more time to look within yourself for the answers. It's important that he's not pressuring you and that you feel comfortable expressing your concerns and worries with him. If it's bothering you the slightest bit that you aren't officially going out, tell him that.

There are lots of other ways to express affection, love, and attraction without having sex. Why do you feel that you have to take it farther now? Actually a month is pretty soon. How would you feel if you had sex with him, and then next month you weren't together anymore...would you regret that you did it? Would it make you want to hold onto the relationship even if things started going bad? It's happened to a lot of girls that they'll have sex with a guy and then later find out he's not all that they thought he was, but they don't want to end the relationship because they've had sex with him, and wind up being in a perpetually bad relationship.

I would suggest that you know for sure what you are getting into, and look at all sides of it, all outcomes and whether or not you'll be able to handle them, or want to deal with them. If you are going to make the commitment of having sex, don't you think you deserve at least the commitment that he's not going to see anyone else (i.e. The commitment of officially going out?) If you already think you know a lot about each other, think how much more you'll know later, and what a better informed decision you'll be able to make.

Just on a chance, you have to realize that people can hold up pretty good facades or fronts for a month. He may be prince charming this month, but you could find out later (hopefully sooner if it's the case) that he's the player from hell, and he's tricked a lot of girls with his charm.

Just don't jump into anything. Know all of the possible outcomes. Sex is a big responsibility, actually, and people tend to overlook that part.

Pregnancy, STD's etc...We don't like to think about them, but it's a part of the decision to have sex. Condoms are good way to reduce the chance of STD's and pregnancy, but they are not 100%. Have you thought about going on the pill as well? Look into all your options.

You sound like a responsible girl, and I hope that whatever you do decide is the wisest decision for you.

See Sexuality/ Teen Sex

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Does Sex Hurt?

Q: Does sex hurt you?

A: The first time that many young women have sex it may hurt or feel uncomfortable. This can be due to a couple of reasons.

When a woman becomes sexually excited, her vagina becomes wet, making it easier for a penis to slide in comfortably, but if a woman is too nervous, the vagina may not lubricate, or if there has not been enough foreplay, etc..., the vagina could be too dry to make sex enjoyable.

Another reason is that if the hymen (a thin layer of skin in the vaginal opening) has not been broken yet, it may be a little uncomfortable when it breaks and causes a little blood.

Sometimes a teen's body is just not developed enough to even enjoy sex yet. Also, most women do not experience an orgasm the first time they have sex.

Sex should not be very painful though, and if it is, you really need to look at your emotions behind sex that could be causing the pain - maybe it's not a physical thing at all. Are you having sex because you feel ready, and it's something that you want to share with this person? Or are you doing it because you feel that you have to, because it's expected of you, or because you think it's a way to gain love?

You should only be having sex if it's something you really want to do, not because you think you are supposed to, or because someone is pressuring you or expecting it from you. Sex is not a way to gain love; it's an act of sharing. You should love your self first and foremost, and not try to gain esteem, love, or anything else from sex. It doesn't work that way. You have to have it in yourself first. That's the only place it can come from, within you. And if you don't love and respect yourself when you're deciding to have sex, it can leave you feeling even more empty, alone, or used.

See Sexuality/ Teen Sex

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Do I Take Her Back as a Friend?

Q: There's something that has really been bugging me for a while. My ex-girlfriend ended up using me to get to my best friend. But now my best friend has a new girlfriend. Then the other day she calls me up and asks if I want to be friends with her again. She also gave me this long drawn out apology. I used to really like her but then she really hurt me and my ego. So I guess my question is: Should I be friends with her? And I also want to know if this is a subtle hint that she wants to go out with me again.

A: It might be good if you can be friends again, but guard yourself a little bit until you know for sure whether you can trust her. If this was her subtle hint that she wants to go out with you again, I would still suggest a guarded friendship at first. You don't want to go through that pain again.

Maybe you'll see that she was sincere in her apologies and wants to be a good friend (or girlfriend) but give your friendship and trust a little time to grow before you jump back into anything.

I hope it all works out

See Sexuality/ Teen Sex

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Friends Or More Than Friends?

Q: This guy and I have been friends since the 3rd grade (we're in 8th now) and I asked him out in 7th grade and he said yes but during the summer he dumped me. And then, 1 week later he asked me back out. Then yesterday, he dumped me because he doesn't like me any more and he just wants to be friends like before. I thought I was happy but I guess I'm not and I want him back. So do you think he'll ask me back out like last time??

A: First of all, are you sure you really want him back, or are you just lonely right now? He sounds like he sort of comes and goes to you as he pleases.

You should think some things over with yourself, though. Do you feel that he's disrespecting you? You should take some time to develop your own interests away from him. Join a sports team or after school club. Find out if there are any fun classes being offered at your local YWCA's or YMCA's,nd see if some of your friends will join with you.

Whether he asks you back out or not, remember to depend on yourself for your happiness. No one else can make you happy like believing in yourself can.

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

He's Pushing Me for Sex

Q: I've been dating a guy for 6 months but he's 19, he constantly tries pushing me into sex and guilt trips me if I reject him, my parents don't know about him but my feelings about him are mixed. At camp last week I met a real nice guy that's also 14, and we started going out, so now I'm cheating. I want to get rid of guy number 1 but I'm afraid he'll hurt me if I break up with him, what should I do?

A: This guy is definitely not someone you want to be with. He sounds like a creep. No one should pressure you into sex. If he really cared he would respect your decision to wait and it wouldn't matter to him. Get rid of this guy ASAP (As soon as possible). Tell him straight out that you don't want to be with him, and don't let him con you into staying.

I hope that you can talk with one of your parents (though I know that's not always possible) so that they can help make sure he doesn't hurt you. If you can't talk with them, maybe try talking to a guidance counselor or a friend's parents. It would be best to get a trusted adult's help on this one.

If he threatens you at all, don't hesitate to call the police. Then it will be on record and if he tries to hurt you it might be easier to prosecute him.

Don't let fear control your decision or make you afraid to leave him. That's what he could be counting on, and he might try to intimidate you into staying.

Take precautions, especially at first until he cools down from the break up. If possible stay away from places where you feel that you'll likely run into him. Don't go out alone in case you do run into him. If you do see him, ignore him and get away fast so that he doesn't have the chance to hurt you.

The important thing is: Get rid of him. Good Luck!

See Crisis Center / Rape and Crisis Center / Peer Violence

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

How Do I Get That Special Guy?

Q: Do you have any tips on getting that ONE guy? I have been playing Hard-To-Get, but it doesn't seem to be working. Please help.

A: The best advice I can give on this is to be honest, and be yourself. And I'm sure you've heard that before, and you're probably not even sure who your real self is because you're changing so fast and stuff, but essentially what 'be yourself' means is this: Be true to yourself.

Don't let people talk you into doing things you don't want to do, don't let go of your values just to make someone else like you, don't pretend to accept what someone does when you really don't think it's okay.

Also, when you play games like 'hard to get' that's not really being honest is it? Now I'm not saying that when you are crushing on somebody that you have to tell them everything, or even immediately tell them that you like them or anything; I'm just saying that when you play hard to get you might be playing it too well, and guys will think you aren't interested and move on.

And when you play other games, like trying to make someone jealous or whatever, it can cause resentment and make people not trust you, or move on from liking you. Don't try to play head games.

It's also hard to find that 'one' guy of your life in high school, because you will be changing so much in the next few years, someone who seems absolutely perfect for you right now can be all wrong for you next year, or even next week.

Just as a note though, I hope that you realize you do not need a guy to make you happy or worthwhile. Do things for yourself, look at the things you love about yourself and what makes you a valuable person, all on your own.

When looking for a boyfriend, get with someone who has the same values as you, who makes you feel good, and who you have a good time with. When it's time for you to find the right person you will. Don't rush it.

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

I Deserve Better, Don't I?

Q: Me and my boyfriend had a terrible fight. Recently he said he missed me and was sorry so we've made-up, but he continues to do the things that broke us up in the first place. He's been hitting on my cousin and I know he cares about me but I hate when he does that and then try to cover it up. I want to be with him and I deserve better.

A: You are very right about the fact that you deserve to be treated better. If he's still doing the things that caused you to break up with him in the first place you need to have a talk with him, one on one. Tell him that you care about him and that you know he cares for you, but you just need time away from him until he's sure that he can stop doing the things that are continually hurting you.

It will probably hurt to be away from him at first, but if he truly cares enough about your relationship he will work on changing and stop doing the things that hurt you. If things don't change for the better, then you know to find someone else who can treat you the way you need to be treated.

As far as your cousin goes, explain to her that you know she doesn't want to see you hurt, but that it only hurts more to have things hidden from you. You need to know the truth about this guy so that you aren't wasting your time or setting yourself up for a huge heartbreak. Wouldn't she want to know if her boyfriend started hitting on you?

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

I Missed My Period

Q: Hi ! I'm 13, and I missed my period by a month and 19 days. Do I have something wrong with me?

A: I would say that it's pretty normal for a girl to have irregular periods for the first 3 years of her period. It's OK as long as you get it eventually. But if you miss 2 months or so it's a good idea to get it checked out by a doctor.

Talk to your mom if you can, or another adult (preferably female since they will be more likely to understand, but sometimes dads can help just as much.)

If you are sexually active you should definitely go to a doctor or the local health clinic (check the yellow pages). Depending on where you live you can probably go confidentially (without them contacting your parents) if you feel that you aren't ready to talk to your parents about it. If you are sexually active, a missed period could indicate pregnancy, so be sure to go to a doctor if that's the case.

Good Luck.

See Sexuality / Puberty and Crisis Center / Pregnancy

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Is It OK for A 19-Year-Old Boy to Go Out With A 13-Year-Old Girl?

Q: Is it ok for a 19-year-old to go out with a 13-year-old?

A: I think that the maturity of a person plays a much more important factor in these situations than just basing it on the number of years someone has lived. For example, I've met some 14-year-olds that are way more mature than some 24- year-olds that I've met.

There are two important things to consider here, though, besides just your feelings for the person. First: You should discuss your situation with the younger person's parents. Yeah, I know, probably doesn't sound like that much fun, but a lot of parents get really freaked out (understandably!) by big differences in ages, and if you are keeping your relationship a secret from them it will only intensify their fear and anger.

So try to set up a nice dinner at the younger person's house with their parents (or your parents if you are the younger one) and let everyone get to know each other a bit. They will be way more impressed that you came to them about it instead of sneaking behind their backs.

But there is still the chance that they won't accept it, and you might have to give them time, and prove that it's not about the older person taking advantage of the younger one. If your feelings for each other are genuine then that should show through. You need to build their trust in you.

I keep referring to the 'younger person's' parents because they are the one's that will likely be the most concerned; but the older person's parents have a right to know, also.

Second: There is the aspect of the law to worry about. I don't think it's illegal to "date", a younger person, but sexual relations with a minor (if you are not a minor) is a big deal and can get you in serious trouble. It differs from state to state what age is considered to be a minor and what is considered to be an adult. You should check it out before anything happens. Also, crossing state lines with a minor is a no-no.

In a lot of states the parents of the minor can sue the older person, or have them put into jail. So again, it's a good idea to try very hard to establish a trusting relationship with the parents and let them know what's going on, and to check out the laws in your state.

I know, a lot of parents might not even be willing to consider allowing their kids to date with such age differences, but you never know what they will say until you tell them. Parents can surprise you sometimes.

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Is Masturbation Normal?

Q: I want to know whether it is right or wrong to masturbate, and will it influence my body development?

A: Masturbation is a normal thing to do, and despite all the myths that circulate, it does not cause any physical harm (it won't make you go blind, or insane, or stunt your growth or any of that).

Although there is nothing wrong with it in most people's views, there is a religious stand-point to consider. (Some religions feel that it is inappropriate.)

Most people do it, and you shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about it, even though most people don't talk about it, and it should be a private matter.

See Sexuality / Puberty

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Is My Long-Distance Relationship Doomed?

Q: Why do guys have to act so macho around their friends and then they get all lovey when you are alone? The guy I am dating is in the military. He comes home to see me on the weekends and calls we every week. This past weekend was the first weekend we have spent apart since we started dating. He called me on Wed. (his normal day to call). He is a mechanic and has to work night- shift this week so I understand if he is in a bad mood...BUT... I told him I missed him and all he said was "Yeah". That hurt me so BADLY and I almost started crying on the phone but I could not do that. I am scared to death about how I feel about this guy. I still get butterflies when we go out on the weekends because I am so happy with him. He makes me tingle all over. But another problem is he is getting shipped to Saudi Arabia in December...we don't know how long. If he does not miss me over the weekend, will he miss me when he's gone? Or did he miss me and just wasn't man enough to say it in front of his friends? PLEASE HELP.

A: It must be hard for you (understandably!) being away from your boyfriend so much more than you are used to, and trying to adjust to that. It can make you very sensitive to every word he says, looking for any warning signals that your relationship might be in trouble over this added stress. And that could be just what's going on. He might have had a million things on his mind when he was talking to you and "yeah" could have been just his way of saying "I understand, I'm feeling the same way".

There is a possibility that your relationship might be in trouble though. Maybe he is afraid of what the distance will do to your relationship (especially thinking of the upcoming Saudi Arabia trip) and he could be afraid or unsure emotionally how you as a couple are going to deal with this, and how he as an individual will deal with this.

No one can guess what is truly going on in his mind. Next time you talk, tell him that you really need to talk; you need him to call you at a time when you can have a conversation where he's not distracted or in a hurry at work, and when there aren't other people around. Explain to him your concerns over his "yeah" statement, that it made it seem like he wasn't even missing you, and ask him if that was the case (without being confrontational about it). Ask him if he's worried about the upcoming distance and if he's trying to distance himself from you emotionally already.

It really could have been just a simple distracted answer though, so don't be too surprised if he seems to not know what you are talking about with all this 'emotional distance' stuff. But the upcoming distance is something that you two should talk about, and figure out how you are going to handle and cope with it.

I wish you the best of luck

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

My Best Friend Is All Over My Boyfriend

Q: My best friend has a major crush on my boyfriend (she told me before we started going out.) The problem is she comes everywhere with me and him and she's all over him. How do I tell her to back off nicely??

A: Well, first you indicated that she is your best friend, so obviously her friendship means a lot to you. Why did you want a relationship with the boy she likes anyway? That almost definitely will cause major tension between friends. It can even end a friendship.

But if you really like this guy anyway, you should have a talk with your friend and explain to her that even if she does have a crush on him, he is your boyfriend, and that you really can't stand it when she flirts with him.

You should also make plans with him, and not invite her. If she has the tendency to invite herself, don't tell her about your plans with him until after they happen. If she gets upset that you aren't inviting her, tell her that you like to be with him alone sometimes, and that you and she can still do things just the two of you, also.

Do things with them separately, but make sure not to always seem like you are choosing your boyfriend over her, either, because that can really hurt her feelings.

I hope that everything works out for the best.

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

My Parents are Horrible to My Boyfriend

Q: I am 21 years old and a senior in college. I have been with D for two and a half years and we have lived apart for almost a year. My dad has said horrible things behind D's back but acts nice to him to his face. D does not ever want to be around him because he can't pretend that nothing ever happened. My family on that side also makes smart comments about D. My question is - what should I expect from him? Should I get angry when he doesn't want to go to Thanksgiving or just accept it?

A: It can make you feel really sad and torn when your family doesn't seem to accept someone else that you love. D has a right to feel hurt by their comments, and like they are being hypocritical when they act nice to his face. How did you expect him to react when you told him the comments that were being made about him? (Did you need to tell him, by the way? Sometimes, as much as it hurts, you need to keep some of this stuff to yourself, so that he doesn't get hurt. You need to consider what is or isn't worth repeating.)

Now, though, it seems pretty understandable that he wouldn't want to hang around a whole lot. Maybe he's feeling very self-conscious around your family, or angry, or hurt.

You said that D can't just pretend like nothing happened. I think that you, your family, and D need to discuss this. The holidays are usually not the best time to bring about family confrontations, so after Thanksgiving get your family and D together and explain that you can't just go on pretending that there isn't tension between the family and D, and that D feels very uncomfortable/hurt/angry about the horrible things said behind his back.

Tell your family what you expect from them; An apology, or at least not making the comments around you (so that you do not have to struggle with whether or not you should repeat it), or bringing to light any real issues they have about D and not being two-faced about it...

Whatever your (or D's) expectations or wants may be, lay them out on the table and hopefully you and your family can talk things out. Be prepared for emotions running high, though. You might not get it worked out right away, but don't give up on finding a way in the long run. I hope my suggestions can help you!

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Ready for Marriage?

Q: I am a 19-year-old college Freshman at Arizona State University and my girlfriend is a 17-year-old high school senior at a school back in my hometown in NJ....We've recently been talking of marriage and we're kind of really wary of it, even though we both know we want it. I'd just like to hear your opinions on this matter and maybe you can help us out on this one.

A: Only you know when you are ready for marriage, but since you are both wary of it, now is probably not the time. People change a lot in their teens and early 20's, and what you want out of life now may be something completely different from what you'll want out of life in 5 years. Sometimes people change and their goals and expectations don't coincide with each other anymore.

Marriage is a promise of forever, so there is no need to rush it. I can understand your desperation of staying close and committed since you now live so far away, but marriage is not the best or only way to do it. If your love is strong it will find ways to overcome the distance.

A lot of people get what is called a 'promise ring' which is a ring that promises one day you will get engaged. It's for those not quite ready for marriage yet but feel that they will be one day with each other, and it's a promise to hold onto that love. You could of course make the promise without a ring.

Is she planning on going to the same college as you when she graduates? If so, things will be easier on the relationship in a year or so when she moves to the same place as you. If not, you will just have to continue to find ways to keep your love strong in spite of distance. Communication is a huge key.

Talk very often. Tell her all the things, the little details that are going on in your life, and ask her the little details of hers. It will help you to stay close.

If the distance is putting way too much of a strain on the relationship, and she isn't going to move to Arizona, you'll have to decide whether or not you should move to be closer to her and switch schools.

There are two ways to look at that though, and you are the only one who can judge that. One is that if your relationship can't handle the distance you may have to end things, if this school and being in Arizona are important to you and your future plans, then it just wasn't meant to be.

The other way to look at it is that you don't want to end the relationship so will move back to NJ if it has to come to that. Consider, however, that if you do move back to NJ and things still don't work out between you two, whether you will have lost a lot by leaving Arizona.

You'll have to decide which loss you're more ready to handle.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that I was able to help in some way.

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXULAITY

Tongue-tied With My Boyfriend

Q: I've been going out with this guy for a while and I really like him but every time that he's around, I'm really quiet ( trust me, that's unusual) and I get wicked tongue tied... sometimes I can just relax but other times I can't and when I say stuff it comes out all messed up.
What should I do?

A: It sounds like you get pretty nervous around him, and we can all feel tongue-tied when we let our nerves get to us. Probably what you think sounds messed up, doesn't come out that way at all. You are probably being too hard on yourself, and over analyzing the situation. It's easier said then done, but just loosen yourself up and talk to him like you would talk to any of your good friends. Let the true you shine out, because obviously he likes you, or he wouldn't be going out with you. Don't be so afraid that you'll say the wrong thing, and don't censor yourself out of fear.

Maybe it will make it easier at first to have one of your really good friends hang with you guys, so that you'll feel more at ease to goof around and be yourself in front of him.

I hope this helps.

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Should I Ask My Friend to Homecoming?

Q: I really want to ask this girl I've known for a long time to Homecoming but, I'm afraid if she says no, it will be awkward every time I see her or talk to her and I don't want to lose her as a friend because of this. What do I do?

A: I understand your concerns. Rejection can be a scary thing. But if you never put yourself out there and take a chance, you will never gain anything either, and always be left to wonder "What If?" Sometimes the "What if's" running through your mind can be just as bad, if not worse, than a rejection. Because at least a rejection you know, and can start to move on from it, and get over it.

If you've known this a girl a long time I doubt that it will make things too awkward if you ask her to homecoming. She might really like to go with you. Next time you are talking to her just say "Hey, do you have a date for Homecoming yet?" and if she says no, then ask "Would you like to go with me?" If she says no you could just say "Oh, that's too bad. I was hoping that we could go as friends" or whatever. That way, you aren't really losing any face.

If you realize that things have started to become awkward between the two of you, tell her that you really like having her as a friend and hope that it didn't make her feel awkward by you asking her to Homecoming. And tell her that you'd like things to be the way they were before and that you value her friendship.

Good luck, and I hope you have a great time at Homecoming.

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Shy Boyfriend

Q: Me and my boyfriend (we're 13) have been dating a little over a month now, and I think I'm falling in love with him. He usually acts like that shy type. He doesn't tell you a lot about how he feels or is that open. I was wondering if this has anything to do with me, or maybe his family? And also, if he is like this, how will I know when he starts to really love me? I hope you can help me.

A: 13 can be a very awkward time for both boys and girls (so can 14, 15, 16...), but at 13 a lot of changes are just beginning to take place, in emotions, thoughts, and body. Even if this boy was an outgoing person before he could suddenly become shy, and introspective. A month is not really that long to have been going out, and he may not feel too comfortable yet telling you how he is feeling, etc...

He may still be really worried what you think of him, or if you are going to break up with him suddenly. As you pointed out, there could just be other things going on, like maybe family problems, as an example. What I think would be most helpful in this situation is if you just ask him what's on his mind and reassure his fears. Don't try to push him to talk too much at first cause that may scare him away. But let him know that whatever is on his mind he can trust you, and that you care about whatever it is even if he thinks that it might sound silly, assure him that you won't think it is. Express your feelings to him and let him what he means to you. Then maybe he will feel more comfortable opening up to you.

Also, please realize that you should wait a little while before you decide that this is love. Love is a strong word at any age, and at 13 it's tough to know about. Keep in mind that emotions change quickly at your age, and they should be taken with a grain of salt. And not rushed...

I hope this helps you

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Stag to Homecoming?

Q: I have our Homecoming dance coming up in two weeks and I don't have a date. My friends keep telling me that I can have fun without a date (they all have dates) but I feel like I need one because I don't like to be left out on the slow dances. The guy that I wanted to go to the dance with said he would go with me but he already had a date. I have the biggest crush on him and he always flirts with me and of course I flirt back. Should I give up on him and just forget it or should I try to dance with him or even hook up with him after the dance? And should I try to have fun at Homecoming anyway or save the hassle and maybe even tears and just not go??

A: I think that you should definitely go to the dance anyway, even without a date, because at least your friends will be there and stuff, and you'll probably have a good time. It will be a lot better for you than sitting at home by yourself thinking about everyone else having a good time.

There's usually some guys that go to the dances without dates either, so you won't have to sit all the slow dances out if you don't want to.

Also, I don't think you should give up on this guy, since he said that he would go with you but he already had a date - it sounds like there's a pretty good chance that he's interested in you. If the girl he's going with doesn't seem to mind, go ahead and ask him for a dance and stuff. If she seems to be upset about it or anything though, cool it 'til after homecoming and then try to hook up with him.

I hope you have fun at the dance.

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

What's the Deal with Pubic Hair?

Q: I am a 13 year old male. And I was wondering what pubic hair is. I am growing it and wanted to know what it is, what the purpose of it is. Is it all right to shave it? Thanks.

A: The many changes that happen to our bodies during puberty can be confusing, and bring many questions to mind; Why is this happening to me? What is this for? Is this normal?

Not only do our bodies change during puberty, but our emotions, attitudes, ideas, and interests shift as well.

There's a mass of books written on this subject, and I recommend that you check out your library in the young adult section for books on puberty that can help you understand the many questions that are coming to your mind, and the many more that will come along as you continue to develop.

See Sexuality / Puberty

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

What Should I Say To Her?

Q: I just started school a week ago, and during my lunch there is this girl who sits across from me and my friends. I don't even know her but she is very cute, she has the same clothing style as me and she seems very nice. I want to go up and talk to her but I'm kinda shy when talking to girls I don't know. I don't know how to approach her and I don't know what to say and how to introduce myself. What should I do? Can you help me out?

A: Well since you like the way she dresses you could start out by complimenting what she has on. When you pass by her say "Hey I really like what you're wearing." Or if there is something she is wearing that you like you could say, "That's a really cool outfit. You always look so nice." Or smile at her and say "My name is X, by the way, what's yours?"

Since you don't know her, I would suggest starting off with small talk like this. It doesn't usually take too much confidence to give someone a compliment. And since she doesn't know you, if you come across too strong she may get the impression that you're just a player or aren't being very serious.

After that, when you see her in the halls and stuff, smile and say hi, and strike up conversations with her by asking how her classes are going, how her weekend was, what her plans are for the weekend and stuff like that. If any of your friends are having any parties or get-togethers ask if she'd like to go; or arrange your own. See if you can get some of your friends to go to a movie or something and see if she'd like to come. Things will probably be easier and more comfortable in a group/friend setting at first, and then take it from there.

I wish you the best of luck.

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

White Dating Black

Q: I really like this young man. There are only 3 problems. 1. I'm Caucasian, 2. He's African-American, and 3. My father's side of the family is racist. How can I get my dad and his side of the family to accept my choice without them disowning me? I'm 18 years old, and I feel like they're treating me like a 10-year- old. Society is really confusing me. In the 60's and 70's they were saying NO SEGREGATION and now that these two races are coming together by loving each other, society is saying SEGREGATION. Please - I need help, I need to make myself happy, but I also don't want to loose my family either in the process of making myself happy.

A: It's sad that here we are approaching a whole new millenium and people are still judging a human being on a color! It sounds so ridiculous, and yet it is still a problem many are facing. At least from where I'm standing, we have come many, many milestones away from our grandparents thinking on this issue.

Unfortunately though, racism does still exist, and it's perpetuated down the line mostly through families making this seem like an acceptable belief (the belief being that you can judge someone's character or quality based on skin color). So I'm very happy to hear that you didn't buy into your father's side of the family's beliefs.

But no matter how wrong you know racism is, it still doesn't change the fact that you don't want to hurt your family. Your decision is going to have to be based on whether you really like this boy enough to go through what you might have to face with your family. That's what it really comes down to.

And this could be about anything, not just race; I'm saying that if your family felt very strongly about a certain religion, or political view, or that boys shouldn't have long hair and your boyfriend did, etc... Would you believe in him enough, and in your relationship enough, to fight for it?

But please don't misunderstand me; I know this is not about religion, haircuts, or politics; which could all be changed or hidden if that's what you felt you had to do (though it's a shame that prejudice against religion is a huge deal in other countries, maybe even more so than racism is in ours, and I'm not trying to downplay that in anyway either), but this is about color! And no one should ever be made to feel ashamed or disgraced because of this! I understand your feelings of hypocrisy that your parent's generation fought for civil rights, segregation, and the end of 'Jim Crow' laws, and now when it comes to their own daughters and sons are they saying "This is different".

How does your mom feel on this issue? Could she help in trying to make your dad understand the ignorance of his views? How would he feel if you dated a guy with a different color eyes than yours? A different color hair than his? Does that sound silly to him? No more silly than a skin color.

It might be unrealistic to expect that you can change his views on this, but it's worth a try. Talk with the guy you like about this if you feel that you can. Explain what you are feeling; that their may be some tensions caused by your dad, but you will not let his ignorance affect your relationship.

You could get a counselor to mediate a conversation between you and your dad on this issue, so that you know you are being heard. Maybe the counselor could also help him in figuring out why he has these prejudices. Maybe it's just because that's what he was taught. It's not a hopeless situation. His views can change with time and patience, though there is no guarantee. But his love for his daughter should be stronger than his hate for a color. And maybe one day we will all be able to see that there is only one race; the human race.

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

Experts

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Breaking Up

Q: After a two-year relationship, my boyfriend and I have broken up. He was my first true love. I am 18 years old and have been with him since I was 16. How do I cope with all this pain? Also, how do I act around other guys?

A:It's hard getting over a break up anytime, but 18 can be a time of many changes on top of that - (maybe it's your last year of high school, or you've just moved away from home, are trying to figure out what you want to do career or college-wise...etc...) This can feel just like another thing added to the list of changes, making it all the more confusing.

One really great way to help you deal with pain is to talk to someone about it. Writing in a journal about your feelings also can help you to sort them out; even if you don't know what to write, just sit down with a pen and paper and start writing whatever is going through your mind.

Try to keep yourself occupied so that you aren't feeling totally alone and broken down. Call up your girlfriends and hang out. Volunteer somewhere to fill in extra time; helping people can leave you with good feelings that may replace some of the hurt or emptiness. Take up an extra curricular activity that you've thought about doing before but didn't have enough time. Just don't sit around and wallow in the bad feelings. It can be hard to imagine now, but time will help heal wounds.

As to how you should act around other guys: Well, it's probably too soon to jump into anything serious right now. You should probably allow yourself time to get used to being broken up before you start another relationship.

Just be yourself around guys, though. Act how you feel is natural. If someone's around that catches your eye and you'd like to get to know him better, then let yourself get to know him better. The main thing is, don't try to replace this ended relationship with another one just to stop the hurt. It doesn't work. Allow yourself time to heal, and just go with the flow.

Things will work out.

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Friend or Boyfriend?

Q: There is this boy I've known and loved all my life. He's a friend of the family. I'm pretty sure he has feelings for me too, but every time we see each other nothing really happens and we don't see each other often enough. Because of him I won't go out with anyone else and find it impossible to like anyone else. We have this mutual friend who supposedly likes me and the three of us have been called "the three musketeers." If two of us went out, the other might be uncomfortable. But I love this guy and our parents kid around about us getting married but I'm hopeful. What should I do ?

A: Well, you said that you do not get to see him often enough. Is this because he lives far away, or is it something you could change, by say, calling him up and asking him to do things with you more often?

It would be good if you got to see him more also, because right now you hink he is 'perfect' (for you anyway right?), but before crossing over the line of friendship (since he's been a family friend for so long) maybe you ought to think about this a little bit more heavily.

My usual advice is to go for it, because living with "what if"s is hell! I'm not telling you to wait forever or anything like that, just maybe hang out with him a lot more see if you think it would work out. Also can you face the consequences if it doesn't? Say that you do go out with him, and things do not work out... are you willing to give up this great friendship if you have a bad break up? Once the line is crossed, it can be hard to bring things back to a great friendship level.

But, the main thing is, after weighing consequences, do what you feel is right. The only way to know how he feels is to ask him! You seem to be getting pretty good vibes that these feelings are mutual, so if you feel it's right, 'fess up that you like him, and ask if he feels the same.

About the 3rd musketeer that also likes you... Well, life is full of hard breaks, and it's awful to break someone's heart or to get your heart broken. Keep his feelings in mind, but you can't let him stop you from being with who you truly love. He may just have an innocent crush on you and be happy that things worked out between you two.

But you'll also have to be prepared for the other side of that coin. Maybe the friendship with him will be hurt by it. It happens. Keep that in mind when weighing out the consequences, and act according to your priorities. As the saying goes: You can't please everyone, sometimes you've just got to please yourself.

Best wishes to you in how this all turns out,

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Dating Double Standard?

Q: I am not to supposed be dating and I am head over heels for this one guy, that I was thinking about the summer (meaning going to try to date during summer.) Well, I tried to ask my mom when I could date and I was told 18. My older brother dated at 16. I am 15 now. How can I get my parents to lighten my dating sentence?

A: It seems that there are a lot of double standards when it comes to men vs. women. Parents seem to be much more concerned about their daughters dating than they are about their sons, and I'm not sure why this is. Maybe a fear that they're daughters can't protect themselves if something happens, that girls are more vulnerable, that they are more likely to get into trouble, or whatever the reason may be, it still seems unfair.

The best way that I can think of is to try to earn your mom's trust. Let her know that you are mature enough to deal with this. Start by explaining to her how important this is to you. Maybe this can best be done in a letter so that it doesn't set off an argument immediately. Ask her what her fears are about you dating and try to address them. It can take awhile to earn her trust, but persistence pays off (and this is very different from nagging.)

Explain to her that there's a boy you are interested in, and can he come over and watch a movie while your mom's there? Try to start small. Maybe by the time you are 16 she'll let you go on "group dates" where you are with a mixed group of friends and not just alone with a guy. Take whatever chance she gives you to prove your trust. Sneaking around behind her back or doing more than she limits is not a way to gain trust. If she catches you it will only increase her worries and fears.

See Relationships - Peers / Crushes and Dating

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Is There a Nice Way to Dis Someone?

Q: A guy asked me to go with him to a dance. I don't like him, but I said "No, but I'll see you there." So he asked me to dance all the time and he calls me everyday. The problem is that I don't like him. At all. I've tried to like him but it just isn't happening. He is almost obsessed with me and is always there! He is so nice I just don't know how to tell him gently that I don't want to go out with him!

A: I admire you for trying to be considerate, and caring enough not to want to hurt the guy. Too bad he can't take a hint, because it would make things much easier. You're going to have to start being more direct with him. When he asks you out, tell him that you are not interested in him like that, but you are flattered he asked. If he's persistent, tell him you just aren't interested, but you appreciate his friendship, and hope you can continue being friends. If you like someone else, tell him. Then he might stop holding on to false hopes. Again you could say something like "I really don't see us being more than friends. I really like someone else." The main thing is, if you don't like him, no matter how persistent he is, don't give in even once to going out with him, because it will only keep his hopes high.

It's best to distance yourself for a while so that he can have some time to get over you, and stop obsessing. For instance, when he calls (unless you really want to talk to him) tell him that you are busy, and have to go. If he asks you to call him back later, keep the conversation short. If the situation of the dance comes up again, and he's asking you to dance all the time, tell him thanks, but you are really hoping someone else will ask you. It's hard to do and say things that you know are hurting someone, but it's much better that they get the message instead of being led by false hope. And it's important to remember not to compromise your own happiness or well-being just to avoid hurting someone. If he's bugging you and you need to get away, get away. If you don't even want to be friends with him, you don't have to. If trying to be nice, and let him down easy just isn't working, you may have to spell it out plain and clear for him, even if you have to come across rudely. Hopefully, you won't ever have to say " Gosh, you creep! Get over it!" LoL, but some people just don't give up.

-Erin-

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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY

Pressured By Friends to Have Sex

Q: My boyfriend and I have been in a horrible position for a year. All of our friends have been talking about sex for the longest time. We were the only two who thought that we should wait, we thought we were doing the right thing. We tried to tell all of our friends to wait too but they didn't listen. We hang out with a bunch of football players cause my boyfriend plays for Varsity and I was a cheerleader, so we hear about it all the time. He and I have been together for like a year. My best friend just now started to talk about having sex with her boyfriend that I introduced her too. The weirdest thing is that all my friends who are girls were all virgins! Well, not anymore. In the past two months four of my good friends have lost their virginity. And they have been bugging me about doing it too. I don't know what to do! I'm afraid that I'm starting to think about it too, and so is my boyfriend. We are both so confused. We aren't one of those couples thought that just do this kinda of stuff.... so it's scaring us both. We really love each other and we have been talking about Marriage a lot lately. I love him and I know he loves me......But is it the right time? I mean we aren't even in college yet! I'm so Confused!!!!!!!

A:First I have to say that I'm really impressed that you are able to hold on to your values in the face of pressure from your friends. That shows what strength you have. And although right now you think you are confused, your letter pointed one sure thing out to me, that you aren't ready because you aren't sure. You don't want to do something you aren't sure about, or have any doubts. Only you will know when you are ready, and you will know because you will be 100% sure about it. You were positive you wanted to wait before, don't let your values fall to pressure.

About the marriage thing; a marriage increases its chances of success by waiting until you are out of your teens. Teen marriages have a high divorce rate. If you wait until you are in your 20's your chances at a successful marriage are greatly increased. What's the rush? If you are going to promise to be forever together, there is no reason you can't wait a couple years to say "I do". If you are planning to go to college, go to college first. Get your career started. There's much more to a marriage than just love. Speak with a counselor or religious figure at your place of worship about the challenges of marriage. You have plenty of time for that. First, get through high school:)

-Erin-

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RAPE AND SEXUAL ABUSE

I Don't Want to Tell

Q: Hey Erin. About two months ago my best friend Heather was raped. She didn't tell anyone, she just informed me. Now she just found out she was pregnant and she didn't tell her parents the truth because she is afraid. She told them that she just chose to have sex and her mom and dad keep calling her horrible things like a slut. I don't know what to do. Can you help me?

A: This is a very sad thing that your friend is going through. It's good that she finally felt that she could open up about this and trust you. She needs to keep opening up. This is not something to be ashamed of at all!! Someone did this to her.

It's awful that her parent's are calling her these names. I can't imagine the pain she must feel having to hear this. Encourage her to be honest with them. Whoever did this to her needs to be put away and face the consequences of the law for what he did.

Sometimes society makes it hard for a girl to come out about date rape because they say it basically comes down to a "he said, she said" thing. But she needs to at least do herself justice by being given the chance to be heard out. Telling the police can be part of a healing process of letting go of shame, to know that she did nothing wrong.

There are people out there to help your friend. If she does not feel like talking to someone face to face just yet, or doesn't even know who to turn to first, encourage her to call a hotline. They can help her to sort some things out, determine what steps she wants to take. The hotlines are there to listen. She could try one of them or all of them.

See Crisis Center / Rape

Most of all let her know that people will help her and believe her. To keep telling people until something gets done about it.

Good Luck.

-Erin-

See Sexuality / Rape and Sexual Abuse

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TEEN PREGNANCY

Pregnant and Need Help

Q: I am a teenager and pregnant. What should I do?

A: There are many things to think about when you find out that you are pregnant. How do I tell my parents? How do I tell the father? Should I keep the baby? etc...

Discuss your options with the father of the unborn child. He should have a say in what you are going to do, and half the responsibility.

There are essentially 3 choices that you have: 1) Keep the baby and raise him or her, 2) Put the baby up for adoption, or 3) Abort the pregnancy.

If you are thinking about having an abortion, I encourage you to tell your parents before you have the abortion because it will be their grandchild and they may want a part in raising it, or at least may want to offer their support in whatever you decide.

Also realize that there are downsides to abortion that you have to think about first - this isn't a decision to be taken lightly.

If you decide to have the baby, then you need to tell both your parents and the father's parents because then you can see what your options are as far as supporting and raising him/her goes. Ask them to help you in whatever ways possible.

If you don't want to keep the baby though, or feel that you can't take care of him or her once he/she is born, but you do not want to have an abortion, you can look into long and short term adoption programs.

The best advice I can give is to call one of the resources below (if you are in the U.S.). Your calls and visits remain strictly confidential and they can discuss in depth all of the options available to you. They can also provide support about telling your parents and stuff.

If you are not in the U.S., visit some of the sites for information about help in your area.

I wish you the best of luck and support in whatever you decide is the best decision for you.

See Crisis Center / Pregnancy

Experts

-Erin-

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SCHOOL

Drowning in Homework!

Q: My problem is I just started a new private school in my area. No, it's not the friends I have problems with, it's the teachers and the amount of homework I am given. I am given at least an hour's worth of homework each day from each teacher. I already have commitments and plans! What do I do???

A: School work can seem like a hassle when a lot of it just seems like 'busy-work' and it's interfering with your friends and other activities. You just have to prioritize. If you put hanging out before school work, will you be able to deal with the consequences of getting bad grades?

Private schools can be more demanding on students than public schools. If the work load is really too much you could talk to your parents about switching schools.

If you don't want to switch schools, but still can't deal with all the work, talk with your guidance counselor about switching to easier or lighter classes.

It doesn't sound like you're having a problem understanding the work, it just sounds like you don't want to put so much time into it. If you have plans to go to college when you graduate, though, a heavier work-load in high school will help to better prepare you for college.

There are always weekends to hang out with friends, and maybe you could set a schedule that you go out one or 2 nights a week instead of every night.

Think about your future, and what you feel is more important in the long run and decide what to do from there.

See School

Experts

-Erin-

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SCHOOL

Guidance Counselor Pressure

Q: Lately, I have found myself spending more time with the guidance counselor at our school then with anyone else...not by choice. I have told her already that I don't like talking to counselors because I don't know them well enough and it's just hard for me. Still, she insists that she needs to talk with me because my friends/ faculty keep saying they're worried about me. If they are worried, then I wish they would talk to me about it and not continue to force me into the guidance department. I am sick of it.

A: Your guidance counselor could be trying to spend a lot of time with you to build up trust, since you said that you don't like talking to counselors because you don't know them well enough.

Do you know, or can you find out which friends and faculty are concerned about you? If so, tell them that you'd like to talk with them instead of being forced to talk to the guidance counselor.

If you don't know which friends or faculty are concerned, ask your guidance counselor to relay the message to them; that you'd like them to address their concerns about you with you.

But maybe their concerns are well founded, and they really feel that you need someone who's trained in helping people with their problems. It may take some time for you to trust counselors, but that time could be well worth it.

If you are having a personality conflict or just don't care for your guidance counselor, or if you feel that she isn't helping you, explain and ask her to recommend someone else.

I hope that you can get everything sorted out

See School / Teachers and Crisis Center

Experts

-Erin-

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SUBSTANCE ABUSE

Dealing With Drugs

Q: Hey! I read what your site said about drugs. And I think that they are stupid. But that is not going to stop people from doing them. I have a group of friends that do them. And they seem fine. They want me to try them. Everyone does them. They can't be that bad. I mean if I try them only once it isn't gonna matter, right? Plus, how could I say no to my friends?

A: People do drugs regardless of all the advice and research out there about how they will destroy your life. At this time in our lives it starts out as just wanting to have a good time, or see what all the buzz is about, but ask any crack addict, alcoholic, cocaine addict, etc... if they had one line of advice to give what would it be, and they almost always answer with "Don't even try it. Don't ever start."

No one takes a hit off a joint expecting to get hooked on crack or other drugs, it's just marijuana right? But that's the first step on the steep trek to rock bottom. Especially since it's very common now for marijuana to be laced with other drugs. People like to mix cocaine or PCP in with the marijuana, and most of the time you won't realize it's in there until you've already smoked it.

You may think that your friends doing drugs seem fine, but drugs lead to serious problems - with school, parents, society, the law, work and other friends who don't use. The problems start to build up, and continue to grow. People get out of touch with themselves emotionally, and wind up being numb most of the time, not able to cope, and then instead of using drugs to feel good anymore, people use them to feel less bad.

And not everyone does them, though it can start to seem like that when your group of friends starts. When you start using the excuse that "everyone" does something, then the cliche comes up "If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it?" You are an individual, you are responsible for your own actions, your own outcomes. I hate that cliche that I quoted above, but it leads to this answer: "If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, but instead go catch them at the bottom."

And that's what you should be thinking about. You don't have to stop being friends with them, but don't put yourself in positions where people are going to be trying to get you to jump off bridges either.

Tell them you're just not into the drug scene. You may have to ease off the friendship for awhile until they come to their senses, find some new friends, or be strong enough to realize that you don't want to be a part of the drug thing, and don't let anyone tear you from your values when you are with them.

That is where self-esteem comes from. Sticking to what you believe in, and not letting anyone talk you into betraying yourself. Never betray yourself. When you are around them keep firmly in mind what you want out of your life, and that jail cells and crack alleys are not the roads that takes you there.

Every time they offer you drugs, just look them straight in the eye and say "No thank you, I'm not into that." Say it again, and again until they stop asking.

You seem like an intelligent person, and I'm sure you'll find the strength to stay true to yourself.

See Crisis Center / Substance Abuse

Experts

-Erin-

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