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Dear At the End of My Rope,
When we're "at the end of our rope" we become desperate.
We'll do anything to survive. This is your situation. Your husband
is either afraid to deal with the fact that you're very dissatisfied
or he unconsciously wants you out of the marriage. He's hiding
behind platitudes of marital trust while refusing to deal with
the problems in your marriage.
It's
clear that you want your marriage, not the affair. I say that
because if someone wants to commit adultery he or she does so
in secrecy. Telling him what you intend to do is like knocking
him over the head with that proverbial sledgehammer and then hoping
that he'll react. It doesn't sound like a threat of infidelity
is strong enough medicine.
So
now you're faced with a difficult moral dilemma. It will be easy
to justify having the affair. You've made a serious effort to
confront your husband and suggested marital therapy -- all to
no avail. Yet, I don't believe you really want to be unfaithful.
The fact that you are warning your husband and trying to get him
into counseling indicates that infidelity goes against your moral
and ethical beliefs.
I
suggest you write a letter to your husband and begin by telling
him that you want the marriage to work. If you love him, tell
him so. Then tell him what is bothering you about the marriage.
Try not to blame him but to articulate your feelings of hurt,
loneliness and anger. Finish up by saying that you would also
like to hear how he feels and that you're committed to making
the relationship succeed. Suggest counseling again as a way of
helping things improve.
If
you've done all this and he still doesn't respond, then I would
suggest that you speak to a counselor who can help you sort out
your relationship. Based on what you've written, I'm not certain
that even an affair will get your husband's attention. Certainly,
he will be hurt and angry, but will he begin the real work it
takes to create a relationship?
Good
luck,
Dr. Tobin
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