Dear Dr. Tobin,

I have been married nine years and we have four children three boys and one girl. I feel that my husband is very self-centered. He is a full-time public defender who puts no effort into child care or maintaining the home. He also puts no time into our marriage.

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The unfortunate thing is that even though he works 60 plus hours a week nearly half of the money we live on comes from my job as an occupational therapist. When I ask him for help in maintaining the home, he says he can’t because he needs time to prepare for his cases. His argument to me is that we agreed from the beginning that he would be devoting a significant amount of his time to his career and that I would be responsible for everything else. It’s true that I agreed at the time but I had no idea that I would be a slave to his career. I assumed that our marriage would be a priority and that we would have some fun time together and that he would share in some of the responsibilities. I don’t even get appreciation. In his mind we are partners working toward a successful future. He believes that he is building his reputation now and that in the near future he will open a successful private practice. He tells me that I should be patient and trust him and that all our efforts will bear fruit. I don’t know if I believe him and I don’t know how long I can continue in this marriage.  I often have fantasies of just escaping. If I didn’t have children, then I would. Please advise me about what I can do. I’m desperate for an answer.

 

Thanks,

Susan

 

Dear Susan,

I wonder if your husband knows how lonely you are. Does he understand how much you miss him? Would he be surprised about how unhappy you are?

You have made it very clear in your letter how you feel victimized by his focus on work, his “unwillingness” to help, his lack of commitment to the marriage, his absence as a father, and the lack of  parity in your financial contribution. You feel overworked and underappreciated, filled with resentment and disconnected. In short, you’re describing a relationship devoid of love and intimacy.

What you write is painful; what you don’t write is revealing.  Over the years, I’ve answered many questions from visitors to my website and almost invariably they tell me about how much effort they’ve invested in getting their spouses to respond, to change - to do something different. They often write of a failed therapy experience, a consultation with their rabbi or minister, which led nowhere, or an attempt to unilaterally act differently in order to improve the situation.

Susan, I may be wrong about this but what I sense from you is that you’ve been building up resentments but you have not taken the “risk” to change a situation that causes you so much pain.  You have described a marriage that sounds untenable and is dangerously close to divorce yet I have no idea if you’ve communicated any of what you feel to your husband.

I’m going to assume that you haven’t, and if I’m wrong and you have, then I want to help you find a new and more effective way of communicating how you feel and what you  want to change.  Here is a list of suggestions:

· Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page.  On the left side write Resentments; on the right writeWants.

· First write your list of resentments that you feel toward your husband. For example, “I resent you for not helping with the children.” Or, “I resent you for not spending time with me.” Or, “I resent you for taking me for granted.”

· Now on the right side under Wants change your statements of resentments into statements of want. For example, “I resent you for not spending time with me,” becomes “I want us to spend time together,” or “I miss you and I would like us to spend time together.”

· Once you’ve completed your list of resentments and wants, I would like you to notice the difference in how you feel when you express resentments and then wants.  To be very frank, it’s easy to express resentments and to feel like a victim. It’s quite another thing to speak proactively in the language of someone who wants to create positive change.  It’s the difference between acting out of fear or finding the courage to do what must be done in order to change a difficult situation.

· Once you feel you are ready to approach your husband in the spirit of wanting to create change, you can either set a time to speak to him or write him a letter if you feel that may be less threatening. You need to be careful not to lead with your negative feelings. If so, he’ll most likely react defensively.  Lead with what you desire; not with what you don’t want or like.

· Even if you take the correct action, there’s no guarantee that he will respond positively. He may feel so overwhelmed by his work and feel misunderstood and unappreciated by you that he will hear all of your requests as demands and criticisms. If so, try not to react negatively. It’s a strong indication that you will need marital therapy to help you through this difficult period.

The main point that I would like you to take from my response is this: Take responsibility to change a negative situation into something positive. Feeling and acting like a victim is an absolute guarantee for unhappiness and failure. Finding the courage to be proactive and taking control over your life is one of the main pathways to happiness and fulfillment.

Regards,

Dr. Michael Tobin

Marital and family psychologist

mtobin@wholefamily.com

 

 

Dear Dr. Tobin, My wife and I seem to have many arguments over my taking time for myself. She is home all week with the kids, however, she gets out of the house three times a week for an average of 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hours an evening. I, on the other hand, go to work and come home to sit the kids and get them to bed those three evenings (and most weekends while she is in her garden) and we both are home the remainder of the week together. Sometimes on the weekends I would really like to get out of the house to do small errands or just to get out by myself without the children. My wife of course confronts me about this and turns this "me time" into "you don't want anything to do with the family" (even though I had planned to do something with my boys that day). I do not demand this "me time" often and the time I take is seldom more than two hours. The problem is each time I suggest "me time" it is the wrong time (according to my wife). I am accused of neglecting my children, and sometimes we start two days worth of arguing. My question is, when is it appropriate to take "me time" and why can't I get my wife to understand that I am entitled to it on occasion, as she takes hers for granted? I do not consider some time between 11:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m. Saturday or Sunday a serious prime time offense on my part (we don't usually have lunch until 1:00 - 1:30).

I'm impressed and moved by how much you love your daughter. It's very scary to think about your 17-year-old daughter being out on her own without the support and closeness that you provided for her before. It's like a bird that leaves a nest before the mama bird feels it's ready to fly.

Folks, some of this stuff is hard to take. Hang in there and write to us with your questions and reactions. 1) You can’t make anyone love you and nobody can make you happy. 2) Try all you want; you'll never change your partner. However, if you change yourself, your partner may change. 3) People don’t marry people; they marry illusions and fantasies. (What a surprise to discover that your partner is as human as you are.)

One of the hardest marital truths to learn is: No matter how hard you try, you can't change your partner. In a codependent relationship, one partner tries desperately to cure the other's problem (drinking, drugs, etc.) -- often deflecting attention from her own inadequacies or problems. As long as the codependent is more concerned about her partner's problems than the partner himself, the partner will not change.

The torrid tales of marital Infidelity are as ancient as the Bible, as vibrant and painful as the tales of the Greek gods, and as tragic as the demise of Tiger Woods. Yet why should we even care?

As you will observe this is probably the thousandth time Marge and Phil have had this fight. Why do they persist in locking horns over who is the bigger martyr, and in the process, persist in driving themselves crazy?? Why don't they just get their act together, split up the jobs, get their kids involved, hire help and do it! They both claim their physical and mental well being are at stake!

She wants to spend now for the children, he wants to save for the future. They fight and don't resolve their differences.

This couple prove the obvious - men and women have different communication styles. Brad typifies many men. He withdraws in order to deal with problems and concerns. If he's tired and pressured, he has nothing to give to Kathy. It's hard for Kathy to understand that it's almost physically painful for Brad to be with her when he's in this state.

The compliment can about appearance, about a positive act, about something he or she did for you. Be enthusiastic, be detailed, and make sure you’re heard.