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Dear
Helpless,
It is so clear that you are suffering.
Your husband is having an affair with another woman and in fact
does not want to be unfaithful to her by being with you at all.
Your question is about the best approach to win him back and whether
he could ever love you again.
Ironically, the best approach might
be to become strong enough that you no longer need him. Let me
explain. Although being strong is not, in itself, a means to winning
back unfaithful husbands, it is often the case that as long as
he feels that any decision about where he wants to be is up to
only him, he will feel free to chose whatever option he wants.
If he feels that a door is closing to him, he just might realize
that he doesn't want that door to close. As long as you are making
it clear that you want him back and his mistress is making it
clear that she wants him as well, he can just take his time and
be where he wants. And maybe if he gets this one "out of
his system" as your friends say, he will come back. And then
maybe he gets another one "in his system" and he leaves
again, knowing that you still want him back. Et cetera.
And I say that it is ironic, because
when you are strong enough to no longer need him, you might not
want him back whether he wants to come back or not. Ahhh, relationships
are certainly complicated, aren't they.
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| When you
are strong enough to no longer need him, you might not want
him back whether he wants to come back or not. |
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If you were to come to the point
where you felt strongly that you were deserving of a different
kind of treatment and were willing to stand up for yourself and
set boundaries for his behavior, he just might decide that he
doesn't want to miss out on the chance to be with you. You however
need to be strong and clear about what you want your life to be
and set some ground rules, with him or without him. This is something
that cannot be faked. I want to emphasize that this is not the
same as bluffing an ultimatum in which case you could lose. If
you become strong and clear in yourself, you will win whether
he returns or not. I would suggest that you find yourself a good
therapist to support you in your own inner journey. What are your
own goals in your life…your own dreams and desires? What
are some steps you could take in achieving them? You might also
look for books by Robin Norwood who has several titles in the
category of Women Who Love Too Much, her first book and a very
successful one which obviously touched the hearts of millions
of women.
The really important thing is that
you become strong in yourself. A separation and even a divorce,
although not welcome events in your life, could be the event that
propel you into growing into a deeper and more happy person who
could look back on this time in your life and view it with gratitude.
Really. But not right away. It is hard work to grow through a
major betrayal by someone you have trusted very deeply. With a
good therapist you can do it, however.
If your husband is willing, there
may be a point where you could both engage a couple's counselor
who could help you learn anew about one another and learn to negotiate
your relationship so that you could build trust together. Initially,
however, I think that your work is to begin a journey with yourself.
I wish you all the best and would
love to hear how you are doing.
Sincerely,
Patricia Lawrence Pomposello, LCSW
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