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Dear
WholeFamily Counselor,
My husband and I have been married 20
years and have four sons (20, 18, 16 and 9). We have always gotten
along well, had a good sex life, enjoyed each other's company,
spent time alone together, enjoyed family activities, community
service, etc. The only conflict we've ever had was financial;
we have always struggled paycheck to paycheck, lost a house through
foreclosure 10 years ago and filed bankruptcy. Aside from financial
pressures, I have always believed I had the ideal marriage and
thought we were more in love with each year.
The last two months, my husband became
very distant, quieter than usual (quiet is his norm), absorbed
in the computer and avoided sex. The last time we made love, he
initially was unable to become aroused. I knew he was having a
lot of stress at work and had been passed over for a promotion
by a younger, less-qualified weenie. I assumed this was the cause
of his funk.
He denied any problem despite my attempts
to get him to talk. Two weeks ago I told him I'd felt further
away from him in the last month than ever before and asked if
there was "someone else" thinking I'd shock him into
admitting there was a problem. I suppose you should never ask
a question unless you're prepared to hear the answer.......it
was yes. He admitted to having an affair with a coworker for three
months and said he has "feelings" for her-- what he
now believes to be love. He also claims he still loves me but
doesn't know what he wants to do. He's not sure if he wants to
be married or free to explore other relationships.
Needless to say, I am devastated. This
was the last thing I ever expected. I don't understand how a three
month infatuation can replace a lifetime of loving and sharing.
He moved out of the house (to his parents) to sort out his feelings
and won't talk about our marriage, saying he's not ready. I still
love him and want him back and feel stupid for that, considering
the circumstances. I'm angry that I'm left with all the responsibility
of the house and kids. At my lowest, I'm left to pick up the pieces
and be strong for the kids. He makes efforts to see the youngest
but has no more than passing contact with the older ones. I've
realized he has little emotional connection with them--they can't
discuss their feelings with him. When we told the kids he was
leaving, we did it together but I did all the talking.
We've both sought counseling through our
EAPs at work, with different clinicians. I wonder if we should
be seeing the same one. My counselor believes he is clinically
depressed, feeling he's failed his family and seeking an escape.
His counselor says he doesn't seem depressed but is willing to
explore the subject if he's interested. I'm living in limbo and
am not sure whether I should pack up the rest of his belongings
or continue this unsure existence. I've told him we need time
limits and ground rules. He's not ready to discuss anything and
I don't want to force him into a hasty decision. Any advice is
appreciated.
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