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1.
DON'T TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR GRANTED.
Think about this question for a moment.
Are you as polite, kind and considerate to your partner as you
are to a casual acquaintance? For most of us, the answer is no.
How come? How is it that this same person that you now hardly
give a moment’s thought to, unless it’s negative, could
be the same one to whom you once were so loving, giving and appreciative?
Let’s face it. We’re all
guilty of amnesia. After a time, we just seem to forget about
all those small and large kindnesses that our partners do
for us. Or, if we don’t forget, we just come to expect
that it’s part of our partner’s job description.
When a relationship reaches the point at which amnesia or
expectation replaces appreciation, then trouble is close at
hand.
EXERCISE:
You can change that.
You can start by not assuming that those things that your
partner does for you are obligatory. In fact, I would suggest
you take a piece of paper and write down those things that
your partner does for you - both large and small. Then honestly
ask yourself, among those things that your partner does
for you, do you ever show appreciation and in what manner
do you express it? Most likely, you’ll discover that
for many of the kindnesses on the list you’ve probably
never said "Thank you. I really appreciate you for...”
So if you would like to
breathe some life into your relationship, let me suggest
the following. Try committing yourself to a week of thank
you’s and notice the change.
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2. DON'T
MIND-READ.
Don't assume that you know what your
partner is thinking and feeling. There’s a good chance you
could be wrong, and wrong assumptions cause unnecessary conflict.
Imagine this situation. You walk
into the living room and there’s your husband sitting on
his favorite chair glaring at the wall. His lips are tight; his
jaw is clenched. Your immediate reaction: fear. "What
did I do? Why is he so angry at me?" You tentatively approach
him, "What’s the matter, Bill?" you ask, expecting
him to pour his wrath upon you. Bill slowly turns toward you.
The tense, angry look begins to melt and he says sadly, "I’ve
been laid off."
"Thank God," you almost
blurt out, "at least it wasn’t me."
In this case, the woman checked
out her assumptions and found out that her husband wasn’t
upset with her. Yet how often does it happen that we make
the wrong assumptions and just go on believing them without
ever discovering if they’re true?
It often happens during the process
of marital therapy that assumptions, illusions and fantasies
are exposed as false or only partially true. For example,
the angry, critical husband who supposedly hates his wife
might in fact be an insecure man who is convinced that his
wife doesn’t love him. Perhaps, as in one case that I
know of, a distant, rejecting wife turned out to be a very
sad woman, mourning the loss of her mother. So, to quote my
former basic training drill sergeant, "Assumptions are
the mother of all f-ups." Don’t assume. Check it
out.
EXERCISE:
Take a piece of paper
and without thinking too much about it, complete the following
sentence: "I assume that my partner thinks or feels....
about me." After you compile your list, try checking
out some of these assumptions.
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3. DON'T
BLAME.
How easy it
is to say, "It’s your fault. You made me do it. It’s
because of you that things are so bad between us. You’re
the reason I feel so miserable." It's so hard to look at
ourselves and ask, "What’s my part in creating the difficulties
between us?" The problem with blaming is that it never solves
anything and it nearly always triggers a negative reaction.
When each of us blames, we deny
our partner the opportunity to think seriously about our words
and to respond in a thoughtful manner. In addition, anyone
who feels blamed usually responds in kind. The result is either
a skirmish or all out war. Your partner is now your enemy
who you must disarm or even destroy at all costs. All is fair
in love and war-- and marriage is both.
So what’s the antidote to
blaming? The answer is simple: Take responsibility for
yourself. Putting it into practice is a challenge. It’s
hard to give up that feeling of being right. It’s so
difficult to let go of that need to force a confession out
of our partners. I’ll let you in on a marital truth:
Being "right" in a relationship is the booby prize.
You win; the relationship loses. Don't you want the relationship
to win? You'll win, too. Try looking hard at what your part
is in creating the conflict. Ask yourself, "What am I
doing to create distance and hurt?" If you’re not
sure, let me help you out. Most likely you are blaming.
EXERCISE:
Try the following exercise
to help you make the switch from blaming to taking responsibility
for your behavior. First, write a list of all the ways you
blame your spouse. For example, "It’s because
of you that the house is a mess," or "You’re
the reason Bobby is running around with a bad crowd. It’s
because you never spend anytime with him." Second,
take a good hard look at yourself and record what you’re
responsible for. Third, look for solutions in each of these
situations. In the last example, she might consider telling
her husband, "I’m worried that Bobby’s running
around with a bad crowd. I’d like to talk about what
we can do about it." She might be pleasantly surprised
to discover that when approached respectfully, her husband,
on his own, will realize that he needs to spend more time
with his son.
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4. DON'T
PLAY SHRINK.
In other words, "Don't interpret!"
Don’t assume you understand your partner’s deepest motivations
and the subtlest nuances of his behavior. You may think you’re
objective, but let me tell you, nobody who is deeply involved
in a relationship can maintain professional distance. More often
than not, interpretations don't come from a place of selfless
concern and a desire to help. Rather, if we’re honest with
ourselves, we’d recognize that these so-called truthful statements
about our spouse are just disguised resentments, cloaked in a
garment of objective concern.
Perhaps, you’re like me.
I don’t want my wife to interpret what I think and feel.
I want her to listen. I want her to hear. I want her to respond
as a friend, as someone who is concerned about me. There are
two antidotes to interpretations: The first is to be clear
about our resentments and not to express them covertly through
our analysis of our partner’s behavior. The second is
to listen in an open, loving manner.
EXERCISE:
Try the following exercise:
The next time your partner talks to you, work extra hard
at trying to understand her. Practice active listening by
non-verbally indicating that you’re hearing him. You
can do this by maintaining eye contact and holding your
partner’s hand or embracing her in a caring, non-sexual
manner. Periodically, respond with supportive statements
that acknowledge how your partner feels. An example might
be, "I understand how angry you are at your boss. If
I were you, I’d sure be furious.”
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5. DON'T
SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO.
We’re often afraid to say no to our
partners. Perhaps, you’re scared that he’ll become angry,
or, maybe, if you were to say "I’m sorry, I just don’t
want to do that," she’d be disappointed and you’d
start feeling guilty. So, instead of asserting ourselves and saying
what we want, we end up doing the opposite and often feel resentful.
The problem with saying yes when we mean no is that we stop being
real in the relationship. There’s no intimacy in a relationship
without honesty.
It may be that when you start
to say no when you mean no, you'll say yes when you mean yes.
Your honesty might increase the trust in your relationship.
More likely, however, the change in your behavior will at
first be threatening to your partner. Remember he’s not
used to you being so honest. She might be painfully surprised
to learn that not all of your yes’s were indeed yes’s.
It’s important to know that
anytime you change the rules in a relationship there’s
bound to be conflict. That’s okay. Conflict is often
necessary for a relationship to grow. Through conflict two
people can create a deeper understanding of one another and
develop a stronger bond.
If you already have a strong
connection with your spouse, then your commitment to honesty
will only deepen that relationship. If you don’t, I recommend
you proceed carefully. Before you start being totally honest,
try assessing what your partner’s reaction will be. Perhaps
the most effective way of asserting yourself is to speak to
your partner about how you feel and insist that the two of
you get professional help. The process of reaching a deeper
level of honesty is often bumpy, but once you arrive, it's
well worth it.
EXERCISE:
Try
the following exercise:
1.
Write the following on a piece of paper: "I’m
afraid to tell my partner...."
2.
Prioritize the list, one being the easiest of your truths
to reveal, two, the second easiest and so on.
3. Imagine approaching your
partner and telling him or her the truth. Notice how you
feel as you do that. Try breathing easily and gently tell
yourself to relax.
4. When you’re able to visualize speaking to your
partner, then take the risk of doing it in reality. Start
with the easiest (1) and go down your list.
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6.
DON'T USE SILENCE AS A WEAPON.
Silence is a deadly weapon. It's easier
to deal with a non-violent, verbal fight where at least you get
out what’s bothering you than an icy silence where all you
can do is imagine how many different ways your partner hates you.
So, if you don't want to kill your relationship,
then you need to learn how to express resentments in a
way that can be heard, acknowledged and resolved. That skill is
of utmost importance in a relationship; without it, small problems
become major catastrophes.
So, how do you learn to say all those
things that are so hard to say? And, how do you say them to
a partner who may tell you to go take a flying leap? Granted,
it’s not easy but making a relationship work never is.
Try the following and get back to us and tell us what happened.
EXERCISE:
1.
Write a list of your resentments in the following way: "I
resent you for x."
2.
Write a letter to your partner about what’s bothering
you. Don’t blame. Try to start from a positive, loving
place. An example might be:
"Dear
Bill, I feel a real need to talk about us. I love you
and want our marriage to work. What I’m about to
tell you might hurt you. It’s not my intention. What
I want is for us to be close. But there are things I want
to get off my chest. Please think about what I’m
writing and try hard not to react with anger. This is
hard for me but here goes:
I
am upset with....."
Don’t
dump the kitchen sink on your partner. Mention a few of
the most important things that are bothering you. If you
are aware of what your part is in creating problems, mention
it. Your partner will be much more open to looking at his
part if he feels you’re doing the same.
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7. DON'T
ACT OUT.
What does it mean to act out? Acting
out is indirectly expressing feelings and emotions through behavior.
For example, a teenage girl might act out sexually as a way of
expressing her anger toward her parents. She's unable to relate
directly to them and say what's really bothering her so she uses
attention getting behaviors which alarm and infuriate the parents.
This is an awkward and indirect way of establishing a relationship.
It's often done unconsciously and it frequently occurs in marriage.
People act out by having affairs,
by making messes, by withdrawing, by becoming depressed, and
even by suicide. They can act out by being irresponsible with
money. There is no end to the ways that we have of saying,
"I'm really angry at you."
So what is the antidote to this?
Direct communication - learning how to tell your partner what’s
really on your mind. With acting out you never get to the
source of the problem. You only harm yourself and each other.
EXERCISE:
1. Find a quiet, comfortable
place where you will not be disturbed for 30 minutes.
2. Close your eyes and
breathe easily and effortlessly. Stay focused on your breathing.
In a relaxed manner observe your breath as you inhale and
exhale.
3. After a few minutes
ask yourself the following question: "What is it that
I do that bothers my partner?" For example, it might
be the mess you leave; the way you spend money, or your
lateness. Be honest with yourself.
4. After you’ve
become aware of these behaviors write them down. If you’re
aware that these behaviors upset your partner, then ask
yourself "Do you wish to continue to use these methods
to aggravate your partner?" If the answer is "No,"
then ask yourself, "What purpose do these behaviors
serve and what would be a more effective way of communicating
the feelings that these behaviors are expressing?
5. Be aware that this
process might uncover some deep hurts and resentments. Remember
dealing with the truth is ultimately the only way to heal
your relationship. Be careful not to dump all of your negative
feelings on your partner at once. Think about how and when
to begin to share your feelings.
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8. DON'T THREATEN.
All is fair in love and war and marriage
is no exception. Let’s not kid ourselves. Even the most loving
relationship can degenerate into a vicious struggle between bitter
enemies. In this dangerous marital game nothing is sweeter than
getting even and the only thing that matters is winning. Verbal
and physical threats and abuse become the weapons of marital discord.
The only advice you can give
to a couple who are engaged in such a struggle is: "Immediately
seek help or get out." Thankfully, most of us are not
contestants in such a fierce and destructive battle. More
than that, I’m assuming that each of you wants to learn
how to create a peaceful and loving relationship. If so, let
me be bold enough to make a stern warning. Never threaten
your partner or act in any way that frightens, intimidates
or abuses your spouse.
No matter how angry you are,
make the following pledge to yourself: Under no circumstances
whatsoever will I verbally or physically threaten my spouse.
If you’re not clear about what a threat is, let me define
it as any statement, gesture or act that is designed to create
physical or emotional pain in your partner.
A
partner who threatens is a partner who may feel deeply hurt
and wounded by his spouse and/or may be someone who himself
was verbally or physically abused. The only way he knows to
relieve his suffering is by making his spouse as miserable
as he. If getting even seems more important than being
heard, then you’re one small step from a dangerous crisis.
In reality, if I were to ask
a couple who were engaged in a dangerous relationship such
as this, "Do you really want to hurt each other?"
their answers would invariably be, "No, I just get so
frustrated when she doesn’t hear me that I just lose
it," or "I hate what’s happening to us but
I’ve tried so hard to get him to understand me but he
just refuses to listen. It’s just gotten to the point
where all I want to do is hurt him." Out of hurt and
frustration they resort to violence believing that it is the
only way they can protect themselves.
EXERCISE:
I would like to suggest
the following exercise to help reduce rage. I want to reiterate
that this is no substitute for professional help which is
essential in a situation like this.
If you find yourself
filled with rage toward your spouse do the following:
1. Go into a room where
you won’t be disturbed and either with your hands or
a tennis racket beat a pillow until you feel your rage dissipating.
It might be helpful to yell, curse or scream as you’re
beating the pillow. I would recommend you do that if no
one will hear you.
2. Next, take a paper
and list all the ways you resent your partner. Start each
sentence with I resent you for .....
3. Write a letter to
your partner and tell him or her what’s bothering you.
Try not to blame but write about your hurt and loneliness
and what’s missing in the relationship.
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9. DON'T DISCOUNT.
A discount is a remark designed to
reduce your partner’s self-worth. Some examples of discounting
statements are: "You’re so lazy," "You’re
irresponsible and untrustworthy," and "You’re a
terrible father and an awful husband."
It’s amazing how brilliant
each of us can be when it comes to identifying every one of
our partner’s blemishes. I doubt that there’s one
among us who is unable to offer a detailed list of his or
her partner's bad habits, unacceptable character traits and
generally difficult behaviors. In the midst of an argument
the temptation to use this information can be overwhelmingly
powerful.
TRY TO RESIST. IF NOT, YOU
CAN BE SURE YOUR PARTNER WILL RESPOND IN ONE OF TWO WAYS:
HE OR SHE WILL EITHER RESPOND IN KIND OR DENY. NEITHER REACTION
EVER SOLVES PROBLEMS OR CREATES INTIMACY.
I’m assuming that you would
like to learn a more effective way to express your resentments.
If so, let me suggest that instead of making angry statements
that begin with "You," try making "I statements."
Examples of "I statements" are: "I feel angry
when..." "I resent it when you do such and such
a thing..." Not "You are such an idiot!" "You
are such a slob!" "You always leave messes!"
or "You’re just like your mother. Both of you are
disorganized incompetents." I promise you, her behavior
won’t change as a result of that piece of feedback.
However, it might, if you were
to say, "You know, Bill, it bothers me when the house
is not clean. I know you're busy and I know it's hard for
you but I would appreciate it if you would help me clean it
up." Now, I'm not promising that he won’t be defensive,
but I do believe he’ll be less reactive than if you were
to tell him what a slob he is.
EXERCISE:
1. Make a list of all
the angry "you statements" that you can think
of.
2. Change the "you
statements" into "I statements" by writing "I
feel x (your feeling) when you do y (your partner’s behavior).
3. Practice making "I
statements" with your partner.
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10. DON'T
TRIANGULATE.
It’s frightening
to admit, but a couple in conflict instinctively behaves like
two nations preparing for war. In each case, the warring parties
create alliances in order to strengthen their respective hands.
Where they differ is that a couple in a conflictual relationship
sometimes develops those alliances unconsciously.
In a relationship, the partner
that feels the most discomfort eventually withdraws from the
other and finds a third person who functions as a supportive
ally. In the lingo of marital psychology this is called triangulation.
For example, a wife who is feeling lonely and cut off from
her husband might increase her involvement with one or more
of the children as a way of decreasing her unhappiness. A
child who is especially sensitive to the suffering of one
of the parents might decide to become that parent’s "caregiver."
A kid in that role almost always feels torn apart and on some
level resentful about having to parent the parent.
Sometimes an acting-out teenager
will unconsciously stabilize the relationship between the
parents. It is as if the kid has a super radar that picks
up on his or her parents’ marital distress and responds
by drawing each of them away from their conflict toward his
drug abuse or her pregnancy or his suspension or her school
failure. There is no end to the creative ways children can
act out in order to divert their parents from dealing with
the uncomfortable truth about their marriage.
The third person in this triangle is
not always one of the children. It can be a parent, a sibling,
a friend or a lover. The function of this person is to reduce
the strain between the couple. For example, a man who believes
that his wife has lost interest in him could conceivably reduce
the tension he feels by having an affair. Until his wife finds
out, the level of conflict between them will most likely subside.
He also might shift his loyalty to his mother who then becomes
his confidant and advisor often to the detriment of the marriage.
As long as there are triangles, it's impossible for a couple
to deal directly with whatever is the source of their problem.
It is an obstacle to intimacy and real marital love. However,
it’s hard both for the partner and the third person to
withdraw from their involvement with one another. In the situation
of the affair, the lover might not want to end the relationship
and the man may be unwilling to give up the easy intimacy
of the new relationship for the difficult challenge of making
his marriage work.
If the third person is a child,
he or she might begin to act out as a way of re-engaging the
parent. It often takes professional help from a qualified
marital or family therapist to help a couple to disengage
from a triangle so that it's not destructive for one or more
of the people who are involved.
The cure for triangulation is
trust and intimacy. The question is how does a couple whose
relationship is marked by conflict, rejection and mistrust
turn it around? If there’s no trust, how do you develop
a trusting relationship? I am going to propose the following
steps to help you move in that direction:
EXERCISE
1. One of you has to
be honest about the marriage. In other words, be straight
with yourself about what’s missing. Write down what
you would like to change in your relationship. For example,
if you hardly spend any time with one another, you might
write, "I would like to spend one evening a week alone
with you."
2. Write a letter to
your partner and tell him or her what’s bothering you
about the relationship. Avoid blaming and write about how
you would like to improve the marriage.
3. In a few days, approach
your partner and try to talk about what you’ve written.
If the response is positive, then begin the work on improving
your relationship. You may need professional help to succeed.
If your partner is willing, look for a competent marital
therapist. Not all mental health professionals are experienced
in marital therapy so be sure that whoever you find is a
qualified marital therapist.
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