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I.
Question: What are the
key forces that impact passion in a marriage?
Answer: In my experience,
the major variables affecting marital passion are a sense
of wonder and newness, coupled with a strong desire to please
the other. One of the reasons that a new relationship or an
affair is often so exciting, is that the couple wants to bring
pleasure to each another which stimulates creativity and excitement.
The challenge in marriage is
to keep the relationship fresh. A phenomenon that we marital
therapists see more and more is the marital brother/sister
relationship. A couple falls into a comfortable pattern in
which their sexual relationship begins to take a back seat.
In marriage, you have to ignite passion. It doesn't keep burning
on a low flame. A couple needs to make their sexual relationship
a high priority. For the busy two career couple, it may mean
scheduling time for their sexual relationship. When it comes
to sexual relationships we often operate on the misconception
that passion is something that just naturally happens. It's
not so. Good sex, like career success, demands commitment,
creativity and practice. Too many of us will settle for a
less than satisfying sexual relationship or find quick solutions
like an affair to break the monotony.
II.
Question: Does the length of
the relationship matter?
Answer: The longer the
relationship the greater the risk the couple will slip into
bad habits. Too many men forget how to romance their wives.
A man who treats his wife like a girlfriend is a man who will
have a lover for a wife. Passion is not a given. It has to
be cultivated and nurtured. It takes skill and knowledge.
To develop that skill a couple needs to make the commitment
to learn from one another and to discover what is pleasurable.
A back rub for one woman may be more sexually satisfying than
direct genital stimulation.
During the courting stage of
a relationship the focus is on one another. This is enormously
satisfying. Who doesn't want such attention? However, once
the relationship becomes institutionalized, attention too
often shifts to competing interests like friends, work, hobbies
and children. It then becomes a major challenge to keep the
marriage alive.
III.
Question: Is passion in marriage
influenced by whether or not you have kids?
Answer: Children can be
a cause of reduced passion in marriage. Often the husband
feels his wife's affection shifting from him to the children.
He now has to share center stage with a screaming baby who
before-you-know-it becomes a demanding teenager. Kids can
wear you out (I know. I have four of them) and nothing kills
passion like exhaustion.
I often recommend that couples
take time out from parenting and pay attention to the marriage.
A weekend away from the kids can do wonders for the marriage
and will most likely improve their ability to parent.
THE GREATEST GIFT WE CAN GIVE
OUR CHILDREN IS A HAPPY MARRIAGE. It's as important to work
on creating a loving, passionate marriage as it is to learn
new parenting techniques.
IV.
Question: Is the passion between
a couple affected by their stress level at home or at work?
Answer: Most definitely.
Whether the stress is external, i.e., work related, or internal,
i.e., marital or parental, it will definitely affect marital
passion.
Let's face it. By the time most
of us have put the kids to bed, cleaned the kitchen, paid
the bills, returned the phone calls and watered the plants,
the only thing we feel passionate about is sleep. At best,
we engage in obligatory, unsatisfactory sexual contact. More
likely, nothing at all - a rather gloomy picture of marital
life.
So what's the answer?
Try a bit of common sense, a
healthy dose of understanding and a genuine desire to give.
First, it's important for both
partners to have reasonable expectations. You can't ignite
passion with a flick of a switch, and passion rarely accompanies
each and every sexual encounter. Marital passion doesn't burst
forth on demand. It doesn't come because you want it. It's
what happens when there is a genuine desire to give to one
another.
PEOPLE WHO FEEL LOVED RESPOND
WITH LOVE. One who is willing to give his or her more exhausted
or stressed out partner a massage or some other form of loving,
non-sexual contact will be storing up passion points for that
quiet Sunday morning when the kids are gone, the dishes are
done and the pressure is off.
In a truly loving marriage there
are many days of exhaustion sandwiched between moments of
genuine intimacy and passion. Those moments of passion are
the result of the understanding, commitment and warmth that
sustain a loving couple through the demanding obligations
of a shared life.
So if you are looking for genuine
passion in your marriage, you won't find it in a sex manual.
It's the gift that comes from real love. It's the interest
you earn from giving. Focus on being other-centered and your
marriage will be a lifetime love affair.
V.
Question: To what extent do
personality and one’s innate affection level affect passion
in marriage?
Answer: I hold by the
adage that good lovers, like good leaders, are made-- not
born. I doubt we can all reach the skill and passion of a
Don Juan De Marco unless of course we, like Don Juan, devote
our whole life to pursuing the ultimate sexual experience.
Nevertheless, we can create passion. Success in bed is achieved
as a result of an open mind, a willingness to learn, a loving
feeling toward your partner and a desire to give.
I want to say more about the
desire to give. Learning to be other centered is, in my opinion,
one of the most significant factors in creating a successful
marriage - in bed or out. Too often, we focus only on our
needs, our desires and our pleasure and forget about the other.
If we could turn the focus of
our attention from ourselves to our partner, our relationship,
in general, and our sexual relationship, in particular, would
vastly improve.
VI.
Question: Is it a given that
passion declines over time?
Answer: It's not a given,
but it often happens. Of course, there are physical factors
to contend with. A 60-year-old doesn't have the stamina of
a 20-year-old. However, a wise 60-year-old can compensate
for his or her decreased energy with experience. The most
powerful sexual organ is the head, not the genitals. A smart
and loving mind can fire up an old body. I know a number of
elderly folks who have a twinkle in their eye for more than
just their grandchildren.
It is important to understand
that passion is not merely explosive sexual fireworks. It
is also the sexual warmth that is generated by a couple who
have learned how to love. Their passion emerges within an
atmosphere of understanding, acceptance and respect. The most
important way to maintain lifelong sexual satisfaction is
to constantly work on improving marital communication. Learning
how to listen, to accept and to forgive are essential qualities
in maintaining a passionate marriage.
VII.
Question: Is there anything
we can do to increase the passion during those times when
it seems to take a nose-dive?
Answer: Recognizing that
passion has taken a downward turn is the first step toward
correcting it. A couple that is committed to maintaining a
quality relationship will monitor it carefully. They will
discuss their declining passion and will seek ways to restore
aliveness and pleasure. This is a marriage that is in a constant
state of creation.
I am fond of telling people that
love is a verb not a noun. Love doesn't just happen. You don't
"trip" into love and you don't "fall"
into love. Real love and passion is something that two people
must work at together.
A good sexual relationship is
nothing more than good communication. To communicate, first
and foremost, you need to know how to listen. To listen you
have to get out of your own way. You need to empty your head
of your arguments, preconceived notions, expectations and
opinions and then be open with your entire being to what the
other is communicating.
No small task.
Good sex is a function of learning
how to listen. Many of us carry a great deal of baggage into
our bedrooms. That baggage might be parental or religious
do's and don'ts or some image based on grade Z movies about
how a great lover is supposed to perform. While he is worrying
about duplicating the sexual gymnastics of some mythical Hollywood
lover, she is feeling abandoned.
Both men and women need to let
go of trying to prove themselves to one another and learn
to satisfy one another. When they achieve that goal, their
reward will be a passionate and loving relationship.
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