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In the best case scenario, children grow up in a home with two
parents. Often those two parents exhibit toward their children
and toward each other different levels of affection, influenced
by a number of factors: Different innate personalities, different
family backgrounds, personal histories, etc. Children therefore
have two examples constantly before them to either imitate or
rebel against.
We don’t give our potential
spouses conscious aptitude tests in passion and affection
before we tie the knot. We somehow gravitate to those people
with whom we feel most comfortable, even though we may not
be able to define at the time what exactly contributes to
that feeling of comfort, of this being "the one."
A fiery, passionate person may be drawn to someone just like
her, or she may be drawn to someone just the opposite, someone
quieter who complements her. Both ways can work.
But either way, at some point
we’ll start to wonder what effect our relationship with
our spouse has on our children. How are they influenced by
parents who demonstratively embrace in front of them or by
parents who do not exhibit passion in front of them?
Most complex of all, how do they
react to two parents who exhibit nonsymmetrical levels of
passion toward each other? How do they react to two parents
who exhibit different levels of affection in their parenting
styles? Are they automatically drawn to the more affectionate
parent, or do they see it more as a challenge to gain the
affection of the less demonstrative parent?
And how does one measure affection,
anyway? Is it only a physical manifestation of feelings, or
is it something in one’s smile, eyes and voice?
The answer is probably somewhere
in between.
On the one hand, physical affection
is important, especially for children. It is something they
should receive and something they should observe. There have
been enough studies on babies and children in orphanages to
prove that a child who does not receive physical affection
can develop behavioral, emotional and even physical problems.
On the other hand, just touching with no real affection backing
it up is not enough. A child who feels loved responds to that
love. A child who is unloved cannot be made to feel loved
through artificial means, though they may alleviate the pain
somewhat.
Adult seismographs are subtler.
Adults can discern affection that is offered in other ways,
such as through looks, the voice and actions. These things
are important to children as well but they must still feel
physical sensations, whether through holding, hugging or stroking.
It is also important, if we want them to grow up to be affectionate,
warm adults, that they observe that kind of behavior between
their parents.
Sometimes it is not possible.
In a single parent family, for instance, the child will probably
not observe his mother or father being physically affectionate
with a partner. It becomes therefore that much important that
he does see him/her hugging friends or relatives. These primary
images of warmth between people remain with children for a
lifetime.
So whether or not you’re
a passionate partner, try to be a passionate parent. Our bonding
years with our children are limited. Make the most of them.
Toby Klein-Greenwald
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