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I can't say that boredom is a problem in
my marriage. Although we are locked into more than one ceaseless
conflict, and enact the same script in some matters, for some
reason, no matter how repetitive and trivial the matter, I always
find it dramatic. For example, I want my husband to help me in
the kitchen after dinner and he wants to sit. For some reason,
we are unable to find a compromise. We have fought about this
matter periodically for 15 years. One would think we would get
tired. But no, I am always ready to engage in this conflict as
though it were interesting. He may get tired of it, but me, I
always think of it as a drama of life and death proportions, with
me playing a victim or a martyr or, on the other hand, a heroine
who wins cooperation.
I hesitate to admit this but
I find the idea of happiness boring. A couple who works things
out all of the time and never argues seems to me the apex
of boredom.
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I am not bragging about this. I'm sure
it would be better to move on from the same battles. I wish we
could. I am always sure that we will.
Regardless, he is always a challenge to
me. I don't agree with what he does sometimes, but he always surprises
me. He never stays in a routine -- he loves to move and to change
jobs. This is difficult for me, but never boring. He also is a
religious person who is always learning and studying. He is always
interested in growing.
Even if we have money problems, and I get
upset, I never feel like we're in a rut. No matter how often we
fight, things stay interesting for me.
On some level, I think that because I grew
up in a household with a lot of self-created drama, I recreate
that drama rather than risk boredom.
I hesitate to admit this but I find the
idea of happiness boring. A couple who works things out all of
the time and never argues seems to me the apex of boredom.
I am probably defensive and twisted. I'm
sure a psychologist would have a field day with my attitudes.
I guess you could say that no matter how
much I profess to want calm and tranquility, and a truly functional
relationship, I'm afraid of it. My parents didn't have it, so
why should I deserve it? Somehow, I equate tranquility and clear
communication with boredom.
The more I think about it though, the more
bored I get with myself. It may be that the dramas I've been enacting
have become melodramas. It feels like time to replace the dramas
with new ones, new struggles that are communicated and worked
on, rather than staged and performed.
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