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Q:
My wife believes that sex for me is only about my coming
and that’s it. It’s not true. How can I show her
that I really care about her?
A: Try
paying attention to her needs. I’m not just referring
to her sexual needs. Showing your wife that you’re interested
in all of who she is, not just her body, will communicate
a very powerful message of caring. It is important to show
interest in what your wife does and what she thinks and feels.
Don’t wait for her to initiate conversations. Take the
lead. Express your love in tangible ways by both telling and
showing her. Make her believe that she is a high priority
in your life - not just a sexual object.
Take time to set up the proper
mood for lovemaking. Music and wine helps. It is very important
not to rush into lovemaking. Remember the mind is a powerful
sexual organ. The right words and feelings will give her the
message that you care about her. It will also have a very
positive affect on your sexual relationship.
Take the risk to ask your wife
what it is that she wants in your lovemaking. Don’t assume
that what turns you on turns her on. It’s okay to ask
her, "Do you enjoy what I am doing now?" "Does
this give you pleasure?" "Please show me how I can
give you pleasure." Your wife knows her body better than
you. So, trust what she tells or shows you that will bring
her pleasure. If you think about her and are attentive to
her needs, I’m certain that she’ll feel very cared
for and appreciative of you.
Q: My
husband and I just can’t connect in bed. I don’t
know what turns him on and he has no idea about what I like.
What can I do?
A: Talk to
each other. Since you’re the one who is aware of the problem
then I would recommend that you initiate a discussion with your
husband about your sexual concerns. If you’re afraid to,
then the problem that you just mentioned is not confined to the
bedroom. Sex is communication and more often than not good sexual
communication is reflective of good overall communication between
partners. If you’re afraid to create conflict, than you will
most likely shy away from one another in all areas of your life.
If your husband responds positively
to discussing your sexual relationship, then you’re on your
way to solving your problems. Not knowing your sexual history,
I can’t comment on your experience and knowledge about sexuality.
One thing you should know is that very few couples intuitively
know how to pleasure each other. To create a mutually satisfying
and loving sexual relationship takes awareness and knowledge.
The two of you need to spend time reading about sexual techniques.
By doing so, you can learn the "what and how" of sexual
pleasure. If you go to our Bookstore, you can find a number of
excellent books on sexuality.
Like with the above couple, I
would recommend that you spend time exploring each other’s
bodies. Ask each other what it is that is sexual stimulating.
Demonstrate by taking your partner’s hand and placing
it on the exact pleasure spot. This is the best way to improve
your sexual connection.
Q: My
partner is very uptight about experimenting. If I suggest
we change positions, she refuses. What can I do to put some
excitement into our love life?
A: Be sensitive.
First, try to talk to your partner about why she is resistant
to spicing up your sex life. Perhaps, she’s already satisfied
and has no desire for more. However, the more likely reasons
are that she either carries around a number of sexual taboos
about what’s okay and what’s not, she’s had
difficult sexual experiences in her past or she is experiencing
problems in her relationship with you which prevents her from
fully letting go in the bedroom. You need to identify the
source of the problem and be willing to try to solve it with
her. It may mean learning how to relate to her in a way that
is more sensitive and caring. Professional counseling might
be necessary to sort out the problem
If your partner has certain inhibitions
which she wants to overcome, let me suggest the following
steps. You should know that one of the major obstacles to
a mutually fulfilling sexual life is the feeling of being
pressured and rushed.
- The first step then is to
slow down. Try gently massaging your partner. If you find
her tense, help her to relax by caressing her slowly. Communicate
your love and caring through touch. The more you do that
the more she’ll be open to you.
- If she feels ready, talk
together about your desires and fantasies. Remember the
most powerful sexual organ is the mind.
- Read books and view videos together
which can instruct you on how to add excitement to your sexual
life. If you both agree, find a new sexual technique to experiment
with. Again, don’t go too fast. Constantly check with your
partner if she’s okay with what you’re doing.
It takes time and commitment
to develop a satisfying sexual relationship. Hang in there
and you’ll eventually succeed.
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