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Dear No Interest,
The fact that you're exhausted and
impatient is no surprise. Being the Rescuer for such a
long time is wearing you down. You've discovered that the job
offers you no support, affection, fun and joy. Here's why: When
a person takes on the role of the Rescuer, he sacrifices his needs,
thinking that his good will, kindness and insightful advice will
lift the Victim, in this case your wife, out of the depths of
her pain and depression. It can feel quite uplifting to have
such a powerful effect on another human being. However, that effect
is very short lived, if successful at all. The Victim remains
stuck and the Rescuer feels frustrated.
Sometimes the Victim either
gets angry or even more depressed as a way of showing her disapproval
of the Rescuer's ineffective efforts. And sometimes the
Rescuer either becomes depressed because his efforts have been
so ineffective or he becomes angry with the Victim for not changing.
It's also possible that the Rescuer may become so depressed
at his lack of effect that he turns into the Victim and
the Victim becomes the Rescuer. Another scenario:
the Rescuer or Victim, out of a sense of frustration,
become Persecutors and start torturing each other.
It sounds like you've become tired
of this game. That's healthy. Now you want a different kind of
relationship with your wife. As long as you're scripted to play
the role of the Rescuer and she, the role of the Helpless Victim,
there is no chance that either of you can have a genuine relationship
based on love, mutual sharing and need fulfillment. I think you
understand that.
So the question remains: How
do you change a pattern in a relationship that is well established?
And if one person is ready for a change and the other isn't,
can a relationship survive?
One thing is certain -- ignoring
the eventual confrontation with your wife will not help either
of you. I understand that you don't want to hurt her. However,
the only chance for a meaningful relationship is if you deal directly
with your feelings. Your wife's big fear is that you don't love
her and she's right, you don't. As long as you treat her as a
helplessly depressed incompetent there is no way that you can
feel genuine love for her. You both know that.
Yes, if you begin to deal honestly,
there will probably be a crisis. Your wife will likely become
more depressed or angry and you might feel terribly guilty.
This is the inevitable first stage of change. To get through
that stage I would strongly recommend that you be in marital
therapy and I strongly recommend that you make that suggestion
in a loving and sensitive manner. Let her know that your deep
desire is to have a close and genuine relationship and that
you feel that there are issues that would be best discussed
with a marital counselor. She may very well hear this suggestion
as proof that you don't love her and that this is your first
step toward divorce. Don't try too hard to convince her; just
stick with your decision to go into therapy. I'm sure that
she won't resist.
Change is always hard.
However, the alternative is further depression, dissatisfaction
and the eventual death of your marriage. Take a deep breath,
find the courage within and begin that first step toward creating
a genuine relationship based on honesty and openness.
Good luck,
Dr. Michael Tobin
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