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Dear
Wanting to Do the Right Thing,
You're faced with a very difficult
choice, one that reaches into the heart and soul of marriage.
In order to help you make the decision that most closely reflects
your deepest needs and desires I must first raise some of
the questions that you appear to be asking yourself. They
are:
- Must I feel "in love
and matched" in order to be happily married?
- Is having a "wonderful
working relationship" with my partner, "a kind
and loving" man, sufficient for a good marriage?
- Is the fact that there
is "something missing" (intimacy, passion, deep
connection) reason enough to end the marriage?
- How do I convince myself
to let go of this powerful need for passion and excitement,
which up to now I've only found in extra-marital relations?
First of all, let me start by saying
that neither I nor anyone else can answer those questions for
you. The value choice with which you are struggling can only be
made in the deepest place of the self, that pure inner center
that is free from the opinions and judgements of others. It's
there that you will find your answer and it's there that you also
must find the courage to act according to your deepest sense of
truth.
I would like to share two stories
with you. Both stories come from my clinical practice as a
marital therapist and each illustrates a different side of
your dilemma.
Story
# 1 "I Don't Love My Wife"
At the wife's insistence a couple
in their late 40's came to my office. They had been married
for 18 years and had three children. He began the session
by telling me that he wanted to leave his wife. "Why?"
I asked.
"Because I don't love her,"
he answered. "She's a fine person and a wonderful mother
but I just can't stay married to someone I don't love. For
years I've tried to convince myself that there was something
wrong with me or that I should lower my expectations or that
I should just try harder. I can't pretend anymore."
"This is crazy!" she
cried. "How can you break up a perfectly happy home?
Be realistic. We've been married a long time. What do you
expect? Should we act like newlyweds?"
She was convinced that he had
a lover or that he was suffering from an acute case of mid-life
crisis and couldn't come to terms with the fact that he was
getting old. The truth was that he had never once cheated
on his wife. What she couldn't accept was that he no longer
loved her. To him marriage was synonymous with love and anything
less than that was a lie.
He chose to end the marriage
despite enormous pressure from his family, community and minister.
He lost friends, financial security and for one year following
the divorce his three children refused to speak to him. Yet
he never doubted his decision.
We may agree or disagree with
this man's choice but one thing is certain - he took full
responsibility for his actions. He accepted how he felt, acted
accordingly and was willing to pay a very high price. For
him being in love was a higher value than family unity.
Are you willing to make a stand
for love? Are you willing to pay a price that might cause
harm to your children, could lead to serious financial loss
for you and would create enormous pain for your husband?
Faced with such a difficult decision,
it's no wonder that you chose to have an extramarital affair.
Your affairs gave you the illusion that you could have it
all - passion, family, romance and marriage. However you overlooked
one serious problem; your sense of decency and morality won't
permit you to cheat and lie.
Story
#2 "It May Not Be Perfect But It Works"
Another couple on the verge of
divorce decided to make one last stab at saving their marriage.
They had been married for 12 years and had two boys. It was
the typical marital story: perfunctory sex, indifferent communication
and meaningless arguments. An occasional marital affair helped
to spice up their rather dull existence. The score was even
so neither one of them could legitimately claim the moral
high ground.
"Why stay together?"
I asked. "Why invest the time and money to try to save
what you both say is an empty marriage?"
A long and tense silence filled
the room. Finally the wife said, "I don't expect to fall
madly in love with him. I'd be happy if we could just stop
hurting each other and learn to be friends."
Her husband nodded in agreement.
"Good," I said, "then
your therapy will be about doing just that - learning to be
friends."
What's
Love Anyway?
We have this mistaken notion
that marriage and relationships are about getting our needs
met. It goes something like this: As long as my partner satisfies
me then I'll stay in the relationship. If she makes me happy,
then I'll reciprocate and try to make her happy.
Many of us hold on to an illusion
that there's a perfect partner out there waiting to be discovered.
If we could only free ourselves from our seriously flawed
spouse with whom we are tragically ensnared, then we could
find this mythical lover. My perfect love will be decisive,
supportive, kind and attentive. She will adore me, respect
me, lean on me and love me forever.
There are no perfect people and
there are no perfect relationships. Romeo and Juliet make
great theater but it's hardly a model for real life. Picture
this: It's 14 years later and Romeo and Juliet are alive.
They have moved into a split-level house with a mortgage,
have two kids, argue about household chores - dull but real.
Despite it all, at the end of the day they have a kind of
warm - not hot like it used to be - feeling for each other.
An affair might add fire, but they figure a warm glow is safer.
Better to keep the embers burning than risk the chance of
getting burnt.
"Wonderful
Working Relationship But Something's Missing"
This statement of yours captures
the essence of your inner conflict. You're asking yourself,
"How do I assess the value of my marriage and how do
I determine which feeling is the one that most directly expresses
who I am and what I want?"
Story #1 is an example of someone
who felt that what was missing in his marriage was of greater
value to him than the "good and friendly relationship"
he had with his wife. However, if he had decided to remain
with his wife both for the sake of the family and because
of their positive history together, it would have been an
equally valid decision.
One couple's positive marriage
might be another's private hell. I imagine that there are
many women who would jump at the opportunity to exchange their
marriage for yours. Having a wonderful working relationship
is not a common phenomenon in marriage. I assume that you
and your husband share common values and goals and that you
manage your family and home in a cooperative and efficient
manner. This is not to be taken for granted, and I might add
that nothing cools off passion more quickly than constant
fights about cleaning, money and the kids.
You can't compare the easy intimacy
and passion of an affair with the complex relationship of
marriage. In an extra-marital relationship you have none of
the challenges of sharing a life together. The secrecy and
intensity of a romantic affair make it a powerful antidote
to the daily routine of marriage. However, as you have discovered,
that's not enough. You want more than the easy intimacy of
an affair. You want the "wonderful working relationship"
of your marriage and the passion and connection that you have
found in your affairs.
Should you end your marriage
in order to find that ideal relationship? Should you stay
in your marriage and try to find the love and passion that
has been missing? Again, only you can answer those questions.
Story
#2 Continued
I instructed this couple to follow
a simple exercise: I told them to focus strictly on giving
to one other for the next week. Giving could be in the form
of a complement, a thank you, a present, a kind word, a kiss,
a hug, a phone call in the middle of the day, a note in the
morning, a helping hand, whatever. "Just give,"
I told them, "and let's see what happens."
At the following meeting they
reported that at first it was awkward, as if they were actors
playing unfamiliar roles. Yet, they both agreed that the exercise
forced them to see positive qualities in each other. What
was so enlightening for them was that as they focused on the
positive it seemed to expand. "I watched him laughing
and playing with our oldest son, something he often does,
and it just hit me how wonderful he is with the kids."
"You know," he said,
"I often get angry at what a neatness freak she is. This
week I decided I would turn my criticism into a compliment.
I told her that I liked that she kept the house so clean.
It makes me happy to invite people here. At first she looked
like I had dropped in from Mars and then when she realized
that I meant it, she began to cry."
Loving
is Giving and Giving is Loving
You don't get love on demand;
you create love. Love is a choice and an act and it involves
the mind as much as the heart. It should never be confused
with the spontaneous eruption of the sexual organs which can
sometimes fool the heart into believing that what feels good
down there is true love. Genuine love is something you build.
It comes when you finally decide to make room for another
person in your life. It comes when you understand that your
partner's needs are at least as important as your own. And
it comes when you decide to commit yourself to being a true
lover/giver.
Conclusion
I don't know whether you will
make a stand for love and choose to leave your husband or
whether you will make a commitment to remain and possibly
learn to love him. Your husband sounds like the kind of man
who would respond positively and lovingly to any overtures
on your part. Whatever you do you must be true to yourself.
If you decide to love/give, do it from the mind as well as
the heart, and if you decide to end your relationship, don't
end it by having an affair. End it on its own terms, knowing
that you tried to love your husband, but sadly you found that
you couldn't. Perhaps you will be like the man in Story #1
who stood by his decision to divorce a woman whom he knew
he could never love. Or, perhaps you will discover, like the
couple in the second marriage, that when you learn to give
fully of yourself, it's possible to turn a dull marriage into
a loving one.
Good luck,
Dr. Michael Tobin
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