Dear Dr. Tobin,

I'm married with three young children. We are both working. By the time we take care of our clients and children, we have little energy for one another. We rarely reach sexual encounter. I often experience premature ejaculation.
Any suggestions?

Thanks,
Sexually Frustrated

Dear Sexually Frustrated,

Based on your description of the problem I suspect that you already know the answer. Focusing on premature ejaculation as the source of the problem would be avoiding the main issue -- namely the structure of your marital and family life. Your body is telling you that your lifestyle is not conducive to developing a rich and beautiful marital and family life. In your case, premature ejaculation may be the wake up call that you need to reconsider your priorities.

I'm quite certain that you're not looking for quick solutions and techniques in order to prolong sexual activity. If you were, you wouldn't have begun your letter describing yourself as a married man with three young children and no time for your marriage. If you have no energy, why would you think you could have a fulfilling sexual life? Creating sexual intimacy takes time and commitment -- two things that your current lifestyle does not allow.

I leave you with a question. Are you prepared to make the changes in your life that will enable you to create a loving relationship with your partner? If the answer is no, then don't be upset with yourself for ejaculating prematurely; it's a logical outcome of the life that you've established for yourself.

Good luck,
Dr. Michael Tobin

Female partners: if your partner has had a problem with premature ejaculation, how has it affected sexual intimacy, and how have the two of you handled it?

Male partners: if you have had a problem with premature ejaculation, how has it affected sexual intimacy, and how have you and your partner handled it?