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Dear Parent in a Dilemma,
You're right to be concerned about how your daughter will react
to your going through her things, even if it was only to help clean
up. But you're even more right to be concerned about what you found.
On the first matter, which is the one that,
from her point of view, you'll have to deal with before you get
into the second matter, I suggest you be straightforward and honest
with her. Your relationship sounds like a basically good and open
one, from what you describe in your letter. But choose your timing
carefully. Don't have the conversation when one or both of you has
to leave in a few minutes or when there might be other people around.
Above all, don't let it slip out in a moment of anger.
Perhaps open by telling her that you know
she's very busy and you thought you'd surprise her by helping clean
up her room. Make it clear that you had no intention of going into
her private space. Then explain to her what you found and ask her
if she'd like to talk to you about it; tell her that you're there
for her. You don't have to start moralizing; from what you write,
you've already made your values clear to her so you won't be telling
her anything new. The important thing is to open channels of communication
so you can find out what she thinks and feels about your values.
Once the rapport is set and you've gotten beyond any anger or hurt
she may feel about you having gone through her things, that's the
time to - lovingly - share your thoughts with her again about the
dangers of what she was involved in. By that time, it's possible
that merely the scare of pregnancy was enough for her to change
her behavior.
If it turns out that she is in fact pregnant,
you should seek the advice of a professional. Take a look at You
are Pregnant: No Easy Answers for more on this issue. We have
gotten feedback that indicates that many young women today, with
the help and support of their parents, are choosing to have their
babies -- sometimes keeping them, sometimes giving them up for
adoption to anxiously waiting couples.
Your job as a parent, whatever path you and
she choose, is to be as loving and supportive as possible and to
help give her direction for the future.
Good luck,
WholeMom
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