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Dear
Seeking Fairness,
You ask two questions:
- "How can I get
him to understand that his household and child should be
higher on his list of priorities?"
- "How do I stop
from building up resentment and eventually hatred for this
man?"
Question #1 assumes
that there is a method for convincing your husband to share
your sense of urgency. You feel desperate. You need and want
him to think and act like you, to make you and the family
a higher priority. If he doesn't change, then you'll have
to hate him. The frustrating fact is that as long as you insist
that he must change, he won't. Neither you nor I have the
power to turn your partner into a caring and responsible husband
and father. If you demand, he'll resist and if he resists,
you'll demand and so on and so on. Call it Marital Physics:
For every forceful demand there is an opposite and equal powerful
resistance.
Perhaps this sounds
discouraging. You came to WholeFamily looking for hope and
I'm offering you a pessimistic view of reality. I'm telling
you that you won't change your husband, and you're most likely
thinking that if he doesn't change, then that's the end of
our marriage. Well, before you completely give up let me tell
you about another law of marital physics, "The Principle
of Perpetual Growth": Change yourself and the other might
change.
Unconsciously you've
already begun to apply this principle. You ask, "How
do I stop from building up resentment?" I hear two other
questions: Am I free to think, feel and act as I choose
regardless of what my husband does or does not do? Does his
attitude determine my feelings and actions? If the answer
to the first question is "No" and to the second
question "Yes", then hatred and/or depression will
be your only choice.
But you know that you
have more freedom than that. Why? Because you didn't ask,
"Is it possible to stop resenting...?" Rather
you asked a technical question, "How do I stop...?"
The how question automatically assumes that with proper information
and guidance you can learn how to control your feelings.
So now let's move on
to what is within your area of responsibility and control.
Here goes:
- Self-Control
- Right now you're hurt and angry. Why shouldn't you be?
You do all of the housework and the childcare. That wasn't
the deal. When he was a resident, you were willing to take
on the extra burden. You wanted to help and support him.
After all isn't that what a loving partner does? But where's
the reciprocity and where's the fairness?
I suspect that there
is no end to how angry you can be. Nothing gets us more
enraged than the feeling that we're being taken advantage
of. Your problem however is that what you want is justice
and fairness and what you need is cooperation. It seems
to me that you approach your husband with the attitude of
"you owe this to me". The result is that you get
the predictable response - "No I don't and I won't
do it."
You need to decide whether
you wish to be right or effective. In marriage being right
means you win the fight and lose the relationship. Muster
up your self-control and take a chance on being effective.
Approach your husband from a spirit of cooperation. Assume
that he is capable of being a competent father and husband.
Ask him his opinion about issues of childcare and family
finances. Invite him to join you in solving household problems
and be appreciative if he does. If he understands how exhausted
you are, he might be willing to hire someone to help with
the household and childcare.
One thing is certain,
as long as you are in an angry and blaming mood you will
not elicit his cooperation. Use self-control and be effective.
- Acceptance
- You can learn to accept the fact that your husband's priorities
are different than yours. Does it mean that you will be
happy that his career is more important to him than his
family? Absolutely not! Acceptance means that you accept
that which you can't change. It's a painful process. You
have to give up your dream of marriage and family life.
His dream is not about home, kids and a loving wife. It's
about being a successful physician. As you said, he learned
from his parents that work is a higher priority than family.
- Choice
- Acceptance leads to choice. When you come to
terms with reality, you quickly learn what your options
are. For example, without blaming or demanding that he change,
you can make it clear to your husband that what you and
he want from life seems to be quite different. Those apparent
differences are very painful for you. You can tell him that
you love him and that you want to remain with him but that
the current lifestyle is not acceptable to you. You can
suggest marital therapy or marriage encounter in order to
help you work through your differences.
Every choice has its
logical consequence. If he decides to focus on his career
at the expense of his marriage and family, then he shouldn't
be surprised that his wife and kids will relate to him as
a stranger. You might even choose to divorce him. You don't
have to live with a man who doesn't share your commitment
to family.
I don't know what you'll choose
to do. Perhaps you'll continue to insist that your husband
should change until you finally come to realize that the only
change that's occurred is that you've turned yourself into
an angry and bitter woman.
Or, perhaps you'll learn to move
beyond blame and anger to a recognition that you can choose
how you wish to be. My final piece of advice to you is to
stop chasing after your husband and demanding that he be like
you. Instead work on yourself and perhaps your husband will
come to see and understand what he's been missing.
Good luck,
Dr. Michael Tobin
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