It kinda started three years ago when my great aunt died. She was 65 and my second mother. My mom was not around a lot when I was a kid so my big influence was my aunt. The morning she died I went to her room to give her my daily kiss hello but as I walked in I knew something was wrong. I can still see her face like it was just this morning.
I started on a path to destruction. I became severely depressed but kept it all to myself. I attempted suicide with about 20 Medicine X's but all it did was calm me down and help me sleep, so I started talking them regularly, started before bed and progressed over the years. In '98, my grandfather died. He was my hero and the only person I could truly count on, so needless to say my depression got worse.
I was already taking about 10 Medicine X a day but it was not having the calming effect anymore - instead I was not sleeping at all. I opened up to one of my teachers on January 21, 1999, after she found me in the school locker room with a bottle of 150 Medicine X to my lips, a dosage that was bound to kill me.
She was very supportive and carried me to the counselor's office and sat with me for nearly four hours until class was over then drove me to the hospital. She stayed at my bed side until the doctor admitted me, but as she left the room she turned to me and said the most powerful words anybody had ever said to me: "Don't you ever give up on me I love you too much to see you go."
Those were the words that freed me from the monster within that was deliberately killing my soul. I started counseling and got a lot of things off my chest, but was not ready to let go of my habit until this year. I am 18 years old, abused, abandoned and left out in the cold not only by my family but by myself, too. I never had a strong support group that held my hand and never really thought of my addiction as being a problem.
I abused an over the counter medication that I did not even know could cause as many damages to my body as it did - my liver is shot. I will never be able to drink another glass of alcohol; I never had the chance to enjoy the club scenes, and never will - because I made stupid decisions. I did not have the proper knowledge of this drug and did not know how badly it could and does damage the liver. Doctors don't even know how I survived, I guess I am just a strong person that had angel by her side.
But what I know is that my life won't be normal and that I will have to live with my decisions the rest of my life. I'll never get to make a toast with a champagne glass at my sister's wedding, I'll never get to drink at my children's wedding, that is, if I live to have children. I always took my life for granted and when I was down I wanted to take myself away from this world. It is funny because now that I have a better reason to give up I never wanted to live as badly as I do.
And that goes to prove that when you are depressed, you truly can't see the gift of life 'cause you live in the past and in the future, never the present. So to all of you that do have a problem with over the counter drugs or any other drugs remember that you are never alone and it is nothing to be ashamed of.
But your life is worth the effort it takes to get sober and clean. I have been clean for a month and two days now and I hope that you all have the power to do the same because life is a precious thing but you only get one shot, so the first impression is the one that counts.