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Saturday, 01 January 2000

Frequently Asked Questions About Sex

Written by  Michael Tobin

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Frequently Asked Questions About Sex

QMy wife believes that sex for me is only about my coming and that's it. It's not true. How can I show her that I really care about her?

ATry paying attention to her needs. I'm not just referring to her sexual needs. Showing your wife that you're interested in all of who she is, not just her body, will communicate a very powerful message of caring. It is important to show interest in what your wife does and what she thinks and feels. Don't wait for her to initiate conversations. Take the lead. Express your love in tangible ways by both telling and showing her. Make her believe that she is a high priority in your life - not just a sexual object.

Take time to set up the proper mood for lovemaking. Music and wine helps. It is very important not to rush into lovemaking. Remember the mind is a powerful sexual organ. The right words and feelings will give her the message that you care about her. It will also have a very positive affect on your sexual relationship.

Take the risk to ask your wife what it is that she wants in your lovemaking. Don't assume that what turns you on turns her on. It's okay to ask her, "Do you enjoy what I am doing now?" "Does this give you pleasure?" "Please show me how I can give you pleasure." Your wife knows her body better than you. So, trust what she tells or shows you that will bring her pleasure. If you think about her and are attentive to her needs, I'm certain that she'll feel very cared for and appreciative of you.

QMy husband and I just can't connect in bed. I don't know what turns him on and he has no idea about what I like. What can I do?

ATalk to each other. Since you're the one who is aware of the problem then I would recommend that you initiate a discussion with your husband about your sexual concerns. If you're afraid to, then the problem that you just mentioned is not confined to the bedroom. Sex is communication and more often than not good sexual communication is reflective of good overall communication between partners. If you're afraid to create conflict, than you will most likely shy away from one another in all areas of your life.

If your husband responds positively to discussing your sexual relationship, then you're on your way to solving your problems. Not knowing your sexual history, I can't comment on your experience and knowledge about sexuality. One thing you should know is that very few couples intuitively know how to pleasure each other. To create a mutually satisfying and loving sexual relationship takes awareness and knowledge. The two of you need to spend time reading about sexual techniques. By doing so, you can learn the "what and how" of sexual pleasure. If you go to our Bookstore, you can find a number of excellent books on sexuality.

Like with the above couple, I would recommend that you spend time exploring each other's bodies. Ask each other what it is that is sexual stimulating. Demonstrate by taking your partner's hand and placing it on the exact pleasure spot. This is the best way to improve your sexual connection.

QMy partner is very uptight about experimenting. If I suggest we change positions, she refuses. What can I do to put some excitement into our love life?

ABe sensitive. First, try to talk to your partner about why she is resistant to spicing up your sex life. Perhaps, she's already satisfied and has no desire for more. However, the more likely reasons are that she either carries around a number of sexual taboos about what's okay and what's not, she's had difficult sexual experiences in her past or she is experiencing problems in her relationship with you which prevents her from fully letting go in the bedroom. You need to identify the source of the problem and be willing to try to solve it with her. It may mean learning how to relate to her in a way that is more sensitive and caring. Professional counseling might be necessary to sort out the problem

If your partner has certain inhibitions which she wants to overcome, let me suggest the following steps. You should know that one of the major obstacles to a mutually fulfilling sexual life is the feeling of being pressured and rushed.

  1. The first step then is to slow down. Try gently massaging your partner. If you find her tense, help her to relax by caressing her slowly. Communicate your love and caring through touch. The more you do that the more she'll be open to you.
  2. If she feels ready, talk together about your desires and fantasies. Remember the most powerful sexual organ is the mind.
  3. Read books and view videos together which can instruct you on how to add excitement to your sexual life. If you both agree, find a new sexual technique to experiment with. Again, don't go too fast. Constantly check with your partner if she's okay with what you're doing.

It takes time and commitment to develop a satisfying sexual relationship. Hang in there and you'll eventually succeed.

Last modified on Thursday, 07 April 2011 11:32
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Michael Tobin

Michael Tobin

Dr. Michael Tobin has been a psychologist since 1974, specializing in marital and family therapy. He is the author of numerous articles on marriage and family relationships and is the founder of WholeFamily.com. He's  been married to Deborah for 38 years and is the father of four children and grandfather to five.

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