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Thursday, 14 September 2000

My Husband Is a Chat Room Addict and It's Killing Me!

Written by  Michael Klein-Katz

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Dear WholeFamily Counselor ,

I have been married for five years now and together thirteen years. Things have been close to perfect for us. We very seldom ever fight or argue. We want the same things out of our marriage and life that was until this computer and the chat rooms came into our lives.

My husband is obsessed with the chat rooms and he has found a woman on there that he talks to all the time and it is causing many problems in our marriage. She is telling him she wants to be with him and that she loves him and I'm not real sure he's not telling her the same thing. He hasn't gotten very cold towards me and he doesn't make love to me anymore. It has been months since we have made love.

He was also talking to her on the phone but says now that he has stopped, which I do not believe. He talks to her for hours and hours and he use to be very busy around the house always improving things but I can't get him to do anything now. All he thinks about are the chat rooms and talking to her.

He tells me he doesn't want her or love her, that he loves me and he wants to stay married to me but it's like I tell him, "Actions speak louder than words". And his actions are telling me he wants her more than our marriage and me.

I have caught him in so many lies lately that it is so hard for me to trust him anymore. I just can't believe anything he tells me. I try to not talk about the situation because it just makes him angrier with me and he says that's why he is cold towards me. He says that if I would just stop talking and worrying about it that things would get better. It's so hard to believe that because he just keeps talking to her and spending hours with her. How can I stop worrying about it when it is thrown in my face everyday?

I love him with my whole heart and soul and don't want to ever be without him. He is my whole life. I have tried to leave but I can't. It is too hard. How do I leave what I want most in my life? I am in such a state of deep depression. All I do is cry and wish I wouldn't wake up each morning because I know what the day holds for me and I can't take it much longer. I feel like I am slipping away more and more everyday and I don't know what I can do about it. I don't have the strength to fight it anymore. I just want our lives to go back to the way they were before the chat rooms.

Am I asking for the impossible? I keep thinking that I am fighting a lost cause. It seems like he wants to be with her and there's nothing I can do to stop it. So, why am I trying so hard? I feel like I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown and it scares the hell out of me because of the thoughts I am having. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it. All I have is him and he doesn't want to hear it anymore. Please help me if you can. I need some answers on what I should do or what I should try.

A very lonely and confused wife


Dear Lonely and Confused,

I'm really glad you wrote. It shows that you have not given up hope in your marriage and that's a good sign for a promising future together. If that is what you want in your heart of hearts, there is every reason to believe you can and will achieve it. A renewed love between the two of you can be yours if that's what you both want it. It sure sounds like that's what you want.

Your marital record so far looks good, after all. You write that you were together as a couple for eight years before you married. Those years must have taught you a lot about one another and knowing what you did about each other you wanted to spend the rest of your lives together as a married couple. You've come to a temporary slump in your marriage now. You are right to want to get back on track immediately and proceed to reap the benefits of a happily married couple in sync with one another again. In the end, your relationship will have been strengthened because of the crisis the two of you faced and overcame together.

Let me address the details of your letter. When you call your husband "obsessed", do you mean like a hopeless gambler that is ready to throw away his life's savings for the sake of his addiction or do you mean like someone who is mad about a passing fancy? If the latter, do you think this is a temporary fascination that will wear off when he realizes how seriously threatening his flirtations are becoming to your marriage? If the former, don't you think you'd better seek some professional counseling right now before it's too late!

Cyber romance is surely alluring, mystical, bewitching and seductive. You are right to be alarmed. You write that you wanted the same things for your marriage at the start. Did that mean monogamy, faithfulness and fidelity? If not, you need to review that initial understanding between you and reevaluate the meaning of your marriage. If so, you both need to recommit to that original reason you are together: your love of one another! That your intimacy has been compromised because of this extramarital distraction reinforces the seriousness of the matter and cries out to you both to "get it together" again and soon.

The good news is, of course, that your husband tells you he loves you. But what does he mean by these precious words? Loosing trust in one another is a sure sign that the fortress of your love is being bombarded and besieged. Take care to nurture the love between you with tenderness and good will, compromise, acceptance, and an unconditional kind of love that will see you through every crisis and challenge, disagreement and misunderstanding.

Here's a concrete suggestion for approaching your husband initially: Write him a letter, a love letter. In it, tell him exactly what you told me, that is, "I love you with my whole heart and soul and don't want to ever be without you. You are my whole life. I have tried to leave but I can't. It is too hard.

Tell him vividly, in as many emotional terms as you can muster, what it is that you are feeling about his obsession with the chat room and with this woman in particular. Dig deep inside to try to express your pain, your fear, your anxiety. But don't forget to emphasize your love for him and how you really want to make this marriage work. Lastly, after you have looked over what you have written, tell him what you feel about having written this letter.

Affirm your hope that he will accept this as an invitation to write back, his love letter to you, telling you exactly what he is feeling. Reassure him that you will not judge his feelings, for feelings are neither right nor wrong. All you want is for the two of you to renew that decision to love you made to one another 13 years ago when you met and again five years ago when you married. With such a sincere and passionate effort, you can't help but touch your husband's heart in a way that is bound to get him to stop and consider what a gift he has in you and in your shared life together!

Good luck!

Michael Klein-Katz

Rabbi Klein-Katz has served as a spiritual leader and counselor to marital and pre-marital couples for nearly twenty-five years and is co-founder of a nationwide Marriage Encounter program and is an active partner inter religious dialogue.

Last modified on Friday, 11 February 2011 08:51
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  • Comment Link Thursday, 03 December 2015 22:05 posted by JMILL

    I am also going through the same thing but with my boyfriend. He gets onto multiple different sites for sexual pleasure while I sleep and have caught him multiple times. Every time I bring it up the excuse is that I'm "controlling and overstepping privacy boundaries." That I shouldn't have been "looking for a problem". I also am in a deep depression and it's getting very hard as I have a child who relies on me solely and I don't have the financial stability to leave. It kills me that he hides everything and when I hack into it I find pictures and messages of different people. Now, I know he won't ever meet these people... at least that I hope... but the thought of him wanting someone else in those ways instead of me, (even though I'm completely open to the ideas) kills me out. It hurts my heart in ways that I didn't know before he walked into my life. I have read something about it being a type of addition- cyberaddiction. I like the open house, open heart, open mind. I just wish everyone followed those same rules. I wish I would have known upfront how much of a flirt and the deep dark secrets he had before I got attached. I've been searching for a group to talk to about this... I'm not one to keep my mouth shut about problems, but I'm at a loss since I have such a love for him that I can't seem to get in return.

  • Comment Link Wednesday, 11 February 2015 15:33 posted by GOFIGURE02

    I think that people have an addiction to be able to talk to someone about something I like the rule, "No secrets." Men have to be able to tell their women everything without being fearful of them leaving, getting angry, threatening divorce, or threatening their sex life or even worse losing their bond that they have with their children in the process. No secrets means tell me where you are in your thoughts, in your mind, in your heart. What do you need? This has addiction all over it-telling someone else what should be being told to women but due to fear they can't say it. Open house, open mind, open heart. If you say you won't get angry then don't get angry. You will never build trust back by saying what you will do and then ending up not doing it. Bring out the bible hold hands over it together and pray. Get back the intimacy and there is hope. Women have to step forward, stop investigating and throwing every wrong thing or thing that feels wrong in their face and start listening.

  • Comment Link Monday, 02 February 2015 16:57 posted by Don

    I am going through the same thing as you with my wife and told her last night I am miserable with her and I own a second home in Arizona and she said I really want to move there don't i? I said yes and told her we should split up and she said okay but we can get back together after awhile and I said no! She wants to go meet all these guys in different states and then come back to me as I am financially stable. I told her no we would be through and I would meet someone who only wanted me! Why do people screw up a good thing for meeting these losers on line?

  • Comment Link Tuesday, 23 April 2013 01:42 posted by Lee

    I find myself in this type of situation now. I have found him to be on multiple dating sites and chat lines. He lies about everything, the time he's been chatting, the number of women he's become involved with. He has another email address and carries, hidden, in his wallet a pre paid credit card. When I accidently discovered his "other" life he automatically blamed me! "when did you touch me last" and "I can't talk to you anymore" He also blames me for spying on him. I don't know where to go next!

  • Comment Link Thursday, 04 April 2013 08:31 posted by TKG

    @ tumblr: Go for it!

  • Comment Link Thursday, 14 March 2013 21:01 posted by Lyn wall

    Run now it will only get worse he wants you to make the decision for him so he is not the bad guy. You know, no quilt on his soul it was all you. I stayed believing him. 30 years later I live in dead husk of a marriage where I'm accused of trying to control him if even so much as cry. I wonder where my life would be if I had told him to go enjoy his life when I had the chance but I was afraid of being alone

  • Comment Link Tuesday, 12 March 2013 08:48 posted by tumblr

    Hello! Would you mind if I share your blog with my facebook group?
    There's a lot of folks that I think would really appreciate your content. Please let me know. Thank you

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Michael Klein-Katz

Rabbi Klein-Katz has served as a spiritual leader and counselor to marital and pre-marital couples for nearly twenty-five years and is co-founder of a nationwide Marriage Encounter program and is an active partner inter religious dialogue.

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