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Thursday, 14 September 2000

Control Freak

Written by  Naomi Baum, PhD.

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QDear WholeFamily Counselor,

I have a simple question for you. Am I a "control freak" for getting angry that my wife is alone with a single man in his apartment at 1 am? To me, this seems inappropriate and creates a dangerous environment. I feel very jealous and disrespected.

Thank you,
"Wondering If I Am a Control Freak"

ADear "Wondering If I Am a Control Freak",

The question you ask is clearly not as simple as you make it out to be. I cannot arbitrate from a distance a fight that you are having with your wife. Issues of jealousy and trust are at the cornerstone of any relationship. You both need to examine what is going on in your relationship that it has lead to this level of mistrust. What else is going on between the two of you in your day-to-day lives?

Recommitting to the relationship and rebuilding trust must be a priority if your relationship is to continue. Deciding on whether it is appropriate for your wife to be alone in an apartment with a man, whether it is one in the afternoon or one in the morning, is something only the two of you can decide together. What may be appropriate for one couple may not be right for another.

Issues of control are often the source of conflict in relationships. Who decides what? Who tells whom what to do? These issues need to be sorted out and discussed with each other when you are not mad at each other, and/or in the middle of a fight. If you find that you have trouble discussing these issues on your own, you might turn to marriage counseling for assistance. Counseling can be a safe place to put the issues on the table and then to address them in a productive manner.

Good luck,

Dr. Naomi L. Baum, PhD

Last modified on Sunday, 22 January 2012 20:25
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Naomi Baum, PhD.

Naomi Baum, PhD.

Naomi Baum is the Director of the Resilience Unit at The Israel Center for the Treatment of Psychotrauma and the National School Resilience Project. Her work at ICTP focuses on developing programs to build resilience in communities that have been highly exposed to trauma and stress. She has successfully brought her approach to Biloxi, Mississippi in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Her work there included seven visits to the city, she trained teachers, social workers, school nurses, and counselors. She has also worked with the population in Haiti following teh earthquake. She has written about Trauma and Resilience in several published articles and books.

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